Therapy is good

So things with my parents are understandably a bit more tense than usual. it is to the point where they called to ask if it's ok that if they come see me. truly i have not decided yet. i feel like i could handle my mother coming but not my dad. there is just so much built up anger toward them that i harbor that I'm not sure them coming would do me any good. my dad especially causes me so much anger just with his presence. also, all they ever want to talk about is my ED or things relating to treatment, motivation, my day--which is always the same and if things did happen they are related to anxious situations that i really don't want to have to reiterate--what is going to happen with school, which is a situation i really cant give them answers for. i understand they need to pay a huge tuition bill, but where i am right now and what i need to do before i can get out of here doesn't exactly have a time limit on it. so it's hard to say what will happen. so i've been struggling with this today a lot and i have tried to journal some thoughts and also, therapy with Toni helped. not so much with them, but with some thoughts that i need to focus on and things that i need to do.

basically i know that a lot of my ED is my form of a "high risk" behavior that i take part in. since most of my life i spent following the rules and not exactly experiencing or enjoying normal teenage things, such as high risk behaviors including drinking, partying late, and anything of that sort, i have found my own way to do this through my ED. it is the ultimate form of a high risk behavior, ultimately risking my life in the process. it is the one thing i and only i can completely control. no one can stop me and i can only get help when i want it. it also serves as a way for me to defy everyone and defiance is a main motivator for me. the more people get concerned about my condition, the more they care and the more they give me input as to what i should/need to do. the more this happens the more i wish to defy them. the more i wish to defy them the more i engage in my ED and the sicker i get. which begins the cycle all over again with people showing their concern the worse i get. thus, this would have continued until i possibly died had my doctor not gotten me in here.

what is really accomplished by all that though? i am ultimately just hurting and killing myself and ruining relationships in the process. if i die, what does that accomplish. that certainly does not fix relationships. to sit with the thought that i would have made the choice to kill myself through my ED is something that would cause my parents a hopeless feeling--a permanent one too since death is a permanent thing. is that what I'm really trying to accomplish with all this. obviously not, but that's what i would have done. doesn't make too much sense, but the gratification i get is what drives me. clearly I'm thinking irrationally, but, as you become increasingly malnourished these thoughts increase and become more irrational because of the effects of malnutrition on the brain. anywayssss

it also came up that the only thing i do is constantly give to people. i give and give and give. it is just what i do. it is the only thing that makes me happy--but only for a moment. it was brought up that there is no way to keep giving to others without somehow replenishing myself in some way. but for this i need to know what makes me happy. however i am so disconnected with feeling any emotions that i don't even know what i could do to do this. self care acts were suggested, but i need to figure out what i can do here to do this. if i can identify for even a moment with something that provides me pleasure, then i can begin to be mindful of feelings again and identify others as well. the only one i can seem to identify right now is anger. though this is a start, its not the best feeling to be the only one to feel. it's true though. i have been told for many years that i am a rock. at some point i must have felt only bad feelings that it became so unbearable that no good feelings were ever felt that i just blocked all feelings out and became disconnected. ever since then, i have felt nothing. I'm guessing this happened sometime in high school when ALL i did was school. there were no good feelings then. i did not enjoy life. happiness diminished day by day, and it just become pointless to only feel anger and sadness, so i stopped feeling. i must recover and connect with these good feelings again!

lots of work to do. there are a lot of other daily stresses with a new girl, who is my roommate too, that i would like to discuss, but others need the computer. these thoughts are more important i suppose anyway to express. i have lots and lots to work on. but lots of time to do it here!