The good mood ran out

So. As expected. the good mood thing ended after five days in a row of good moodness. sunday night i started to get really down and then it all went downhill from there.

yesterday was pretty tough because my psychiatrist met with me as soon as all the clinicians got out of rounds, and since my psychiatrist NEVER meets with me on a monday like that, i had a bad feeling. i was right. i sort of, but not really, got in trouble for this habit that i have that my team just found out about. i say "sort of" because you don't really ever get "in trouble" per say in treatment. you just get talked to and advised about things and the actions that you team do from there are to "help" you, never to "punish." but anyway, that happened. also, the issue of insurance was brought up again and my psychiatrist said that insurance may very well say they are done paying, even for partial. so ill make it clear that i do not want to be here in treatment, however, nor do i want to be home. it doesn't really matter where i go, i'll still have my ED, but at home is where EVERYTHING is just so much more intense. i hate home for SO many reasons and when i left the appointment all i could think about was home and the idea of possibly having to go straight home, no partial as a transition to make it a little more bearable. after that appointment i sat i front of the nursing station silently crying and thinking A LOT.

then my family therapist came up to me and told me how her and my therapist were going to do a joint meeting with me at 1, but that she was going to come in around 1:15 because she had something to do first. i pretty much knew this couldn't mean anything good either. at this point i was having a lot of anxiety and was seriously considering not going to caf and staying back and not eating lunch and refusing to replace. however, i knew that if i was already in some crap with my team that that would not help, nor would it help my mood at all or get me out of my head. so i went to caf, but was incredibly anxious the whole time not only from my meeting with my psychiatrist, but because of the upcoming meeting and the fact that i was eating.

after lunch and after we all filled out our mood monitors we got our pass requests back from rounds. mine said: "see therapist. could you consider going home for a dinner pass to eat with your family and brother in preparation for PHP." as soon as i read that i reacted quite strongly and went into the day room, lied out on the couch, and started crying. i was not ready for that at all. even the thought of having to spend an hour or two at home was something i couldn't handle, how in god's name would i handle going back altogether??? when i realized the time, pulled myself together in preparation for the joint meeting.

i headed to my therapist's office and we began and of course the "how are you doing question" was asked and i responded "not that good," which i thought was quite obvious from my red puffy eyes but apparently she couldn't tell. so i told her why and as soon as i talked about the pass request form and what they had written i began crying again. not even 2 minutes into the session and i was crying. amazing. THEN as if things couldn't get better, there was a knock on the door and it was my family therapist. "looks like i came in at a difficult time," she says. i'd say. "we just started," said my therapist. "yea we just started and i'm already crying," said i. it was comical to me for some reason, but sucked all the same. basically the whole session was spent on talking about going home and how incredibly difficult it will be for me and what it will mean. then my therapist asked if she could switch gears just a little bit, and of course i was completely agreeable with that. and then they talked to me about the same thing my psychiatrist talked to me about which was really what they intended to talk to me about from the start, but i did a wonderful job of delaying that issue. but it was talked about and not too much came of it.

i gave into a urge after this. i probably should have told my therapist today about it, but oh well.

my family therapy session went ok. basically we talked about going home and how scary that is for me and all that. i cried some more. then i had a pass with my family and brother. it was better than expected, as far as my mood. i restricted as usual. got a couple of pants which im not too sure about yet, it was a pretty difficult thing to do and im not sure if ill regret the decision later on down the road. it was the last time i saw my brother before he leaves for germany tomorrow.

so the rest of the day and basically all of today i was really anxious, awaiting the insurance company's decision. everyone made the reality of the situation very clear to me so i had an idea of what could happen.

i had a session with my therapist again today at 2 and this one was going ok, but then towards the end somehow we got on the topic of the power that i have and how i use it as an abusive power and how that could hurt other people and myself. i was in my head most of the session and at one point she asked me for some feed back and i told her i was in my head and she said, "i know that's why im asking you to come out of it." i don't know what i was thinking with the answer i gave her. obviously she could tell i was in my head and she wanted me to tell her what was going on up there. so i basically told her that i am afraid. and she asked of what. so i told her of what i would do with my power. and she said to who. and i told her...myself.

then the rest is some pretty heavy stuff, but then snack was called. saved by the bell! but of course, since i opened up a can of worms that couldn't just be let go, so my therapist asked me to come back after snack so we could follow up. so i went, ate snack and went back. long story short, i ended up staying in there for about another 45 minutes. i guess what happened in that extra time was necessary, but it still doesn't make anything easier for me. but she told me she is concerned for me and that maybe i need her to be concerned about me. i forgot what i said to that but im pretty sure she replied with something like "well you cant control that," basically the usual response.

then we had group. and guess what? the girl that usually runs group wasn't here today so my therapist filled in. a whole 3 hours with my therapist today. good thing i like her.

dinner was immensely hard today and this was one of those times where once again i seriously considered not eating snack or anything after dinner from now on. of course the fact that one of the girls didn't finish her dinner and then sat with her ensure and didn't replace, didn't help anything. i had a strong urge to purger since last time i had this meal and felt the same way after i did, but i didnt this time. but at least i did accomplish my treatment goal for today of writing my aunt a little letter about how her letter was pretty unhelpful. i had one of the CRCs read it and she agreed that i went about it in a very respectable manner and that i said just enough to make my point when i could have said sooo much more.

so, insurance never got back to my team today, so im here for at least tonight. i guess i'll have to sit with this anxiety for a bit longer before i can find out what is going to happen with my life. all i know is im scared shitless.

"It is possible to move a mountain by carrying away small stones." --Chinese Proverb