IMPORTANT updates

A LOT has happened in the past few days. it all started the other day when my therapist switched the time she was meeting with me at from 4pm to 11am. she said we needed to talk about some decisions we are going to have to make. when she took me in she talked to me about how im using treatment here and such and that on tuesday, there is a review for insurance. basically, insurance doesn't want to pay for me to be here in residential anymore so we needed to set up a plan as to what we were going to do. should my team appeal to keep me here for a couple more weeks--since im not in my range--or should they just step me down to partial here or at butler, or do i not want to do partial. this was quite a shocker and not a decision i thought i would have to make yet, since im not even in my range yet and you usually don't even think about partial until you are in your range and on a maintenance meal plan.

my therapist sort of made it seem like i was being kicked out though because she talked about my passes and how i don't really use them to help my treatment so it seemed like she was saying, if you aren't going to use the time you have in treatment right, then is it even worth it to appeal for you to get more time here? honestly i just want to go home, well not home, but leave here. i know im going back to my ED and i hate having to gain weight and eat ALL day. i have the highest meal plan of all the girls here, yet i am the biggest one and they're trying to get me to the biggest weight ive ever been in my entire life. that just doesn't make sense to do to some one with an ED. that's not very conducive to recovery.

but anyway,yesterday my therapist came up to me with my family therapist and the nurse on staff and told me she wanted to check-in. i knew this couldn't be anything good if it involved ALL of them. so we went in her office, quite cramped for four people, and she started off by saying, "so basically we wanted to talk to you because since last thursday your weight has plateaued and we want to know if there is anything we should do to help you with behaviors or whatever you might be struggling with with this." i pretty much knew what this could be attributed to...not getting all the food i need on pass, exercising, and the couple of purging episodes i had. i once again told them about the exercise and then i told them about the purging. i told them i did it on pass--but really i did it here when i got back from pass--and they asked if that was the only time. here i paused because i knew i was already in trouble with one time but if i admitted to doing it twice, then i knew what the "punishment" would be. but, i ended up telling them. so then the hard part came. decision time. "what can we do to help you with these struggles?" i love that. help. its not help. i don't want help. its just an annoyance.

first question: are we locking your room to help you with the exercise. no. ok, we are going to keep it locked now.
second question: honestly, what do we do about bathroom supervision? honestly, if my room is locked what i use to purge would be in there so i cant purge. what do you use? a toothbrush because i finger doesn't work. right, but you can go out on pass and buy a toothbrush and put it in your pocket so we wouldn't find it when we check your purse. ok, so why bother asking me then if you aren't going to listen to what i have to say. it's not that we aren't listening, alyssa, we just want to help you; were putting you back on bathroom supervision at least through the long weekend then we'll reevaluate tuesday.
third question: so what do you want to do about the pass. i don't care--staring at the floor now, not even giving a shit as to what will happen. do you want us to make a decision? i don't care, whatever. ok well why don't we keep the pass for now.

great. awesome. i cried, of course. i was angry, of course. but not so much that they took the privileges away, that i really don't care that much about. its the whole idea that i don't want to be helped because i think its pointless and the fact that they STILL keep pushing and caring really pisses me off. this is how i always work when people start to care. i don't want any of it. there is a lot more to it. but that is the basic premise. my team knows how i feel so they get that this is the same dynamic that plays out with my parents, which they find to be very "interesting" since it is now happening with them.

so that made yesterday kinda of suck, EXCEPT for my pass. i was pretty pissed and was just wanting to do anything to piss my team off, so i decided that i was going to walk to the bus stop instead of taking the shuttle. when christie got here we dilly dallied for a bit before we left, took a couple of shots of vodka--OOPS! AGAINST THE RULES--and then began our 20 min walk. i had a bad feeling that one of the CRCs would be on break and would see me, but i didn't give a shit. i knew what i was doing and i was doing it for a reason. to get in trouble in hopes that my team would really get through my actions, that I DONT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE.

so of course, as i was walking out of the hospital entrance, i see a car and look in side and it was one of the CRCs on duty. i just laughed and continued on. christie and i stopped at a park and swung on the swings for a bit and talked. then we decided to continue back on to the bus stop to where the dukin donuts and basking robins is. i checked my phone and there was a missed call from a restricted number and a voice mail...wonder who that could be?

so i listened to it and my suspicions were confirmed. the message: "hi alyssa, its the CRC from klarman. i was on break and, oops! i saw two girls walking to waverly place. do yourself a favor and do us a favor and take the shuttle when you come back." i tried calling them but couldn't get through so i continued on with the rest of my plan to get my snack.

it took me about 20 mins to decide what i wanted...this attracted the attention of some asian dude who said, "is it really that hard to pick ice cream?" to which i replied under my breath, "actually, when you have an eating disorder it IS that hard to pick ice cream." im not even going to go through the struggle i had over that but let me just summarize by saying there were many voices and things being yelled at me in my head, to which i compromised with in the end. i didn't eat all of my snack but that was because they switched our evening and afternoon snack yesterday, so i was paranoid about not eating the right things and the right amount.

christie and i just chilled for a bit then we went back to the shuttle stop and threw some rocks at the passing trains and waited for the shuttle to come get us. when i got back to the hospital i had to face the music. i came up with a good lie. that i thought it was ok to walk since it only took 20 mins and im on walk group and that is a 20 min walk so i thought it was fine. the CRC said "well that is walk GROUP, you are supervised." to which i replied, "well i went on a walk with my parents yesterday when they came to visit," and she said i shouldn't have but the nurse that said i could do that was right behind her and she said that she said i could. so the CRC said, "ok so you really thought it was ok to walk?" and i said ya, and she said, "well you are suppose to take the shuttle so take it next time" and i told her next time i would. settled.

SO, today. i had four meetings which is a lot. i met with my psychiatrist first, then my family therapist whom i did not talk to at all about my family, but just more about where i am with everything and my anger toward my team, then my therapist, which was a strange meeting, but she told my family therapist that it went well, so i guess it went well? and then i met again with my family therapist, but this time the meeting was triggered by a phone call put into her from my mom.

basically my mom called for a few things but the foremost thing was how she has noticed "marks" on my wrist. i knew this was bound to happen some time. so my family therapist wanted to know what i was ok with her telling my mom. i really don't want to talk to my parents about this. this, over all things, is NOT something they would ever understand. not many people can understand this behavior unless you use it. basically, we decided that she would call back and say that my team is aware of this and that it is something i have worked on a little in therapy but that its not something i am comfortable with discussing right now. as if i didn't have enough on my plate already. there is just A LOT going on and A LOT going through my head. this only added to it.

these days are incredibly stressful. im still finding way to get some exercise in, though the means are a bit more inconvenient now. but im fighting against this process as much as i can. the only thing i still value is the therapy, but if i want the therapy i HAVE to do the other part; there are some strings attached. hopefully insurance will kick me out tuesday so that i wont have to make much of a decision.

oh, just wanted to share something funny that happened in therapy. my therapist said, "alyssa, you truly are a fascinating person," to which i replied, "ya, to a psychologist." there was really no reply to that.

"Part of the problem with the word disabilities is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walked or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities." --Mr. Rogers