Friday, July 31, 2009


so i take back anything that i ever said in earlier posts about being uncomfortable. yesterday was the day for feeling full and uncomfortable and i have nothing to look forward to but many more days like this and even worse ones.

it all started with breakfast. i always drink my water first when i get it at meals because i don't like plain water nor do i generally drink anything with my meals so i don't really know how to incorporate a glass of water into my meals. so after the water i had my pear, after which i could already feel the fullness AND i still had to eat my raisins, yogurt, GIGANTIC bagel with cream cheese, rather large and straight banana with peanut butter. basically i paced really horribly and had to wolf down my bagel, banana and coffee in the last 8 minutes. so needless to say i was quite full and uncomfortable after breakfast.

then lunch came, and it was a lunch i had had before but because breakfast had gone so awry lunch did not sit well at all so i was stuffed and feeling physically huge and so the negative thoughts and body image began.

i was then called in to the kitchen to be informed that my snacks were being increased but the full meal plan increase would start Sunday. so for snack in the afternoon have one fruit, one yogurt, and 4oz of ensure--that is the new part--and at night i have 8oz of milk, my choice from the snack list and two granolas--that is the new part. so needless to say, i am never hungry and i was constantly uncomfortably, full yesterday.

basically it really sucked.

so far today breakfast went much better. i felt full afterwards but i was distracted from this feeling by cross stitching and group in which we made a picture with a partner. however, i think today i am EXTREMELY hypermetabolic, which is the opposite of yesterday. an hour before lunch i started to feel increasingly shakey, and i was getting hot flashes--a sign of hypermetabolism--and i just felt weak and i was actually a little hungry. i swear, refeeding is just like going through menopause. so i had the nurse test my blood sugar but it was 74, so it was ok. i just waited it out until lunch, which i just had, and now i feel much better. a bit full, but much better. however, the nurse that was in the kitchen with us wasn't quite happy that i finished basically right as the clock turned 12:30, which is the end of the timed meal. she told me and this other girl that if we do that again while shes watching shell put us back on supervised tables AND make us replace. her rationale was that they are trying to get us to normalize our eating and we take "mouse bites." yet, when we started lunch she was talking to other people and shes like "yea, you really don't need a half hour to eat. the half hour is more for the people on meal plans 4, 5 and higher. everyone else should be done in like 15 minutes." so ask me what meal plan im on...OH, that's right. meal plan 5. so why i cant take the whole time to eat is beyond me. and what meal plan is the other girl on who finished at the last minute? OH, that's right. meal plan TWO. so really, im doing fine and SHES the one who should get in trouble. whatever. its stupid. if i rush, then id be even fuller than i am now, so taking my time is what i need to do to feel semi ok after i eat.

not too much else has been happening. ive been doing some collaging in my journal lately and i got some other images yesterday from magazines to actually make a bigger one to put on the wall in my room.

everyone who is on cafe group is on an outing right now :( this is my 3rd weekend here that i ha vent been able to go on the outing. its a little sad, but you have to be on cafe group first and for that you have to be 80% of your ideal body weight, which i am not yet, so i cant even apply. so that's kind of sat that i have to sit here with a lot of the newer people. since i came in at such a low weight it is taking me longer to get certain privileges. a girl that came in 5 days after me has been on cafe for a week, so that sort of puts into perspective how much weight i have to gain and the slowness of my progress. but hey, we all are in different places, have different situations and different treatment plans. i just need to keep that in mind and focus on me when i get discouraged because of other people who came here after me getting privileges before me.

just something interesting i want to share before im done writing for today. so i always loose hair in the shower, but over the past week i have been loosing RIDICULOUS amounts of hair in the shower. at least double, and maybe even triple the normal amount i lose. i figured this has something to do with the refeeding process so i asked the nurse today and she said it was normal. i guess the new hair follicles are pushing up now--the ones that are developing from the recent nutrients that has entered my body--so all that older crap is falling out now. there are a lot of other physical things that are happening from refeeding which has really made me notice my body and think about how it functions. i guess it kind of makes me think a bit about how much my body was deprived of before and how malnourished it really was.

that's about it for now. hopefully the rest of this weekend isn't too boring. Saturday always seems to go by smoothly and then Sunday drags and i cant wait for the week to start again. but once the week comes, i want the weekend again!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Today was ok. nothing too out of the ordinary as far as groups and meals go. same old for the most part except for the temporary tattoo session we had this morning. somehow i came out of it with five temporary tattoos--a skunk on my left foot, and frog on my right leg, a t-rex on my arm, a t-rex face on my hand, and a raptor on my neck. i gotta say it was quite fun to act like a little kid again though.

today was the first day i actually had a "good" therapy session. well good in the sense as i guess today was when i really started to process, as my therapist says.

today was the day she could say this because today was the day i cried in therapy. today was the day i decided to not push away the emotion when i start to feel it, but rather show it. today was the day i made myself vulnerable in front of another person and did something i find admittedly weak; i showed emotion, i cried.

basically i did some thinking out loud to my therapist on just how strong my ED really is and how terrified i am that when i do leave here, that i will just fall right back into my ED. it is so easy here to give in at meal times and eat and disconnect from the feeling of guilt and shame i would normally feel for eating, because i know i have others around me who are struggling to and are going through the same thing i am. but outside here, i don't have that and eating will no longer have a justification. it is being here that gives me the permission to eat. my motivation is external. outside here i wont take up that responsibility on my own. to this my therapist replied that that is very honest, very scary, very sad and concerning.

it was at this point that the well of emotion began to build up. normally i can block it out or disconnect but i saw the sadness in my therapist's eyes which made it all the more difficult for me to control myself. of course her encouragement to not fight the emotion sort of coaxed me to let it show.

i felt embarrassed and weak for showing my emotions and how upsetting the control my ED has over me is. she in tern told me that it was actually a very courageous thing that i did. to show emotion means you make yourself vulnerable to some one and that causes fear, so to show an emotion shows you conquering a fear. also, you must trust the person to show and emotion, so she thanked me at the end of the session for trusting her enough to show my emotion. THAT felt good.

so after the "break through" therapy session we had a group cooking activity where you either made rice krispie treats, fig newtons, or oatmeal raisin cookies. i made the oatmeal raisin ones, WHICH by the way, i get to have for snack tonight! yummmm. this was a good way to relax after that therapy session and i was quite happy to bake again.

on the gossip/drama front. my roommate--the pants girl--was caught doing suicides on the side of the building today. hearing that made my other roommates comment to me about the pants roommate stretching in our room make sense. also, another girl, a newer girl, was caught exercising last night by one of the CRCs. we all knew it was happening but no one had caught her in the act so thank god that finally happened. that is a major no no in the world of ED treatment centers and it is really aggravating to know that it is occurring as well as triggering. it makes everyone else feel like crap. not to mention that my roommate isn't even on a weight-gain meal plan because she came here in her range. so to know that she is eating the normal amount of calories AND exercising while we all are eating way over the normal daily calorie intake and NOT exercising is even more frustrating. why does she have to be MY roommate???

i did some journal collaging today during visiting hours to try and express another way, other than writing, my feeling of hopelessness that i often have when i think about how i really fear and think i will go right back to my ED once i leave here. it came out ok, but it just makes me sad.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I'm beginning to understand how it feels

So since I last posted my meal plan went up yet again, yesterday actually because I am still on chair rest so that means I am not making projection. So as part of the game plan, the most logical thing would be to increase my meal plan so i eat more. Before i was never really hungry. it was possible that from breakfast to lunch i would get a little hungry but once they raised my meal plan on Saturday this pretty much ended and when they raised it again yesterday it did end. now i feel satisfied from breakfast to lunch, but after lunch until bed, i'm pretty much in a constant state of feeling full. i always heard the girls say at post-meal how they feel full and uncomfortable and at the time i couldn't understand this feeling because I was on a lower meal plan, but now that i'm moving up in the world, i am beginning to feel those feelings they felt. and to think that there are still five more meal plans i could potentially move up to!

pretty soon the weight gain will start. i can already physically see it and that is a bit difficult to deal with but i think i am able to put it into perspective still so that i am able to not think about it too much now. i know what i "see" now is hardly anything compared to what i'm going to be seeing so i try to realize that and not let it affect me too much right now. when i get closer to my range then i know the negative body image thinking and feelings will come and those feelings will be more justified. right now i'm just trying to not get to overwhelmed by negative body image because the changes right now are minimal and i need to be ready for when they are much more prominent.

I've also been thinking a lot about how scared i am for the outside world. it is so easy, well not easy, but EASIER, to eat here and not feel too horrible about what i ate. But, this is ONLY because i have the comfort of others around me who are going through the same thing. knowing that "we are all in this together" or that we are "all going through the same thing" makes it easier to eat and deal with the negative feelings afterwards. however, i know that when i get out of here--which is still a ways away--i wont have that comfort and eating the right things, or even just making the choice to eat will become 10000 x s more difficult and will be a struggle. i know this because of my experience with partial. when i went to partial it was fine to eat during the day at the hospital, and even when i went home i followed my meal plan because i knew i had some structure of the program to go back to the next day. but as soon as my week was done it became and instant struggle to follow the meal plan. the next morning i only half followed the breakfast portion of my meal plan and after that i was right back to what i was doing before and i actually continued to get worse. this scares me immensely and makes me seriously doubt whether i'll be able to do it when i get out of here.

i know i'll have family who will support me and try and make me eat. but that's the thing, they are going to try and MAKE me eat and when i feel like i'm being forced i get angry and want to comply even less. the whole idea of DEFIANCE is a huge thing that drives me ED. the more people cared about me and the more they told me things i should/need to do to get better, the more i wanted to defy them and do those things that would result in more ED behavior. this is a scary thought that runs through my head throughout the day and really makes me question if recovery will actually be possible for me once in the real world again.

there have been some other instances too that show me how strong my ED still is. i don't really want to get into them too much because that's something more for me to know, but it just shows me that though it is easier to eat in an environment where you know others are struggling too, i still have my personal struggle with my ED to contend with daily. it is especially hard when snack time rolls around to decide what i want. i often start thinking an hour before afternoon snack what i want, considering how full i already am, calories, volume, which food i could make last the whole time period we have to eat, what i want vs what my ED tells me i want vs what i should get to try and start making projection. and then for evening snack i often contemplate for the 2.5 hours after i sign the snack list if i made the right choice, once again according to the things mentioned when deciding about afternoon snack. I still am very much consumed by the thought of food and thus consumed in ED thinking.

I feel like this post is so negative and it is probably extremely triggering and i wish i could write about something other than my stay in treatment. but obviously treatment is my life right now so that is all there is to write about. I guess on a semi-brighter note, family therapy went OK yesterday. i don't really think my goal going into the session was accomplished, but at least i presented some things that were very important to me, and although these issues were not explored to the depth i wanted, i think that the therapist was able to gather some important information that will be helpful in our construction and planning for our subsequent sessions. my brother also came to the session yesterday which i think is great for the family and i was really glad he did come!

OH! i know a happy note i can leave on! i was once again awarded the you go girl box on Sunday. i had a good weekend and really made an effort to open up and hang out with the girls more. i can definitely say this was facilitated by not being in the wheelchair and having to wait to be pushed everywhere. i often had to sit secluded from the group because the group all went into another room and none of the staff was around to push me. BUT now that i'm out of the wheelchair that is no longer an issue and i'm able to migrate with the group and be more a part of the community!

That's it for now. nothing else too exciting or important i can think about saying. i think i'll go sit outside for a little before snack. hopefully it is cooler than it was earlier today!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I'm playing the game

So the funny thing is about treatment centers is that it's all a big game.

There is a definite terminology unique to the game, a few key players, and a definite game plan/strategy. Some terms include "projection," "warning," "range," "chair rest," "reset," "cafe," "passes," "staff supervised tables," "peer supervised tables," to name a few of the most important ones. The players are: yourself, nutritionist, CRCs, personal therapist, family therapist, dietitian, nurses, and psychologist. The strategy/game plan, well that all depends on weight gain and how fast or slow it's occurring but mostly if being on/off projection is what matters most.

there are daily weigh-ins as well as specific gravity tests done on urine samples and then vitals are taken mon, wed, fri. These weigh-ins hold the most precedence however when deciding the game plan. yesterday it became quite clear to me that i AM playing the game now.

when "the list" was put up which shows who is on "warning" and "chair rest" and such, i found that i was on the list for warning. this means that i am not on projection for my weight gain and that i better not move around much because if i don't make projection the next day, then i'll be on chair rest until i am reset or starting making projection. so seeing that my personal game plan for the day was to not walk much up and down the hallways and to sit as much as possible. however, my team--therapist(s), nutritionist, and dietitian--all had there own say to add to the game plan and this came in the form of a meal plan increase. the nutritionist pulled me into the kitchen and said outright "ok Alyssa, your meal plan is going up today because you are on warning." here it became very apparent that i AM now playing the game. in order to try and make projection and gain weight, what is the next most logical thing to do? EAT MORE! how does that happen? MEAL PLAN INCREASE. granted they can't increase someones meal plan every time they are on warning but this is a start for me since i am still in the earlier stages of the process/treatment.

it just seems rather odd/funny to me. i feel that as far as the weight-gain goes, it totally turns into a game. people are constantly planning if they have passes to eat more when they are out so they can compensate for the increased amount of walking that is bound to happen on a pass so that they don't get on warning the next day so that they don't lose any passes they may have planned for that day.

example: one of the girls here had an elton john/billy joel concert to go to. everyone on her team knew about it well in advance and she really wanted to be able to go. but in order to go on passes you must be 85% of your range and not be on warning. so a couple of weeks before they increased her meal plan so that she could get into the 85% of her range so that she could start applying for passes. this worked, even though she had to eat a lot more and deal with feeling uncomfortable and full. then once the day before the concert came she had a dinner/snack pass. however, she needed to shop for an outfit which would require walking around in a mall or at least many stores. so in therapy we strategized with her what she could do to minimize the walking so that she wouldn't be off projection the next day and be put on warning and subsequently lose her pass for the night of the concert which would then have defeated all the work she did as far as eating a lot more to gain weight faster. so we came up with ideas like "get a wheel chair and have your mom push you," "have her drop you off at the door and pick you up at the door," "map out your route so you know what stores you are going to and pick a path that minimizes walking," and the most obvious of any plan "eat more food than normal when you go out to eat so you will have a better chance of making projection."

it's all a game when it comes to the weight gain. as much as it sucks to gain weight and no one wants to do it, it is the most vital part of treatment for so many reasons when treating some one with anorexia nervosa. it just seems a bit ridiculous at some times because you hear people talking about adding all these "extras" to the meals so that the can get into their range faster and hopefully lessen the time of their stay in treatment.

this being my first time in a treatment center, i didn't know what to expect when i came in here, but i am quickly learning and i have definitely begun playing the game.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Same old with a new lesson

so nothing too exciting has happened over the past couple of days. been feeling fuller after meals and during the day. had a couple of good--i guess?--visits. however, i did forget to mention in my last blog that i got the "you go girl box" one night and it was awarded to me from my roommate who i'm quite intimidated of but admire so much at the same time. so to get that from her was quite a special thing for me. oh, and the allusive "you go girl" box is a box of random things that one girl gets to choose from every night after our post-meal meeting after the girl who got the box the night before picks a deserving girl for that night. it's basically awarded to someone who is working really hard or just dealing with some hard stuff and is still being positive or something of that nature.

BUT today good things happened to me. i was informed that i am finally able to be out of the wheelchair!!! I CAN WALK! i seriously never thought i would ever be this excited to be able to walk! going from being an exercised obsessed person--still am obviously just cant do it here--to being ecstatic about being able to walk??? is that possible? also, i got off staff supervised tables which is quite nice. i can finally sit with my peers and not have staff staring at me while i eat. granted they still watch but there isn't one staff member directly looking at me. sadly, i am still on supervised bathrooms. its stinky but i can understand why. i am still at a pretty low weight, although i did reach the weight required to be out of the wheelchair, and my vitals are still on the lower side, so it is a danger to not be able to know if i'm on when they can't see me behind the door of the bathroom--even though in the morning i take a shower unsupervised where im standing for like a half hour? haha oh well.

there has been a bit of drama in the community relating to a certain new member who has been discussing numbers, sizes, food, and ED things extremely openly. she has made comments to girls about looking "fuller" and to me about looking "healthier." this girl also happens to be my roommate which is where a lot of the issues come in. not only are her comments at therapy extremely triggering, but she decided to go through my things without asking me. last night she said "i don't mean to pry but i was looking at your pants and you have some really good ones and i was wondering if i could try them on to see if i could wear some some time." me being who i am, though i felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this said, oh yea sure i guess if you want. so she proceeded to try two pairs on--my favorite ones mind you. they fit, but somewhat tightly. so:
#1, i was NOT ok with her wearing my clothes. i don't like to share clothes with anyone, whether it be me wearing theirs or someone wearing mine.
#2, SHE WAS STRETCHING OUT MY PANTS. pants that are already too big for me right now and that i wanted to wear again when they fit.
#3, ILLEGAL to do in this place and not cool for ED stuff.
THEN she proceeds to ask if i want to see how she measures if shes "ok" as far as weight goes when she doesn't have a scale to go by--i.e. when shes here because they do blind weights. so she takes out this pair of black shorts, puts them on, and examines herself. when she fits without any "muffin top" shes "ok." if not, she needs to loose weight. so i kinda told her how those are probably not good to have here at all and how that is not helping her ED at all.
THEN today. i walk in the room and shes is putting MY pants back into my closet. i just kind of ignored this and went on my bed and read. she then went on her bed too to read and finally said something like:
"so i feel really bad that you walked in on me today going through your pants again. ive just been feeling really horrible about myself and i knew your pants were a size 0 so i wanted to try them on to feel better. i fit in them, so i felt better about myself. but i guess it's good that you came in cuz i probably really shouldn't be doing that."
UM NO YOU SHOULDNT BE! but me, once again being who i am just nicely said something like "yea, you really shouldn't be comparing yourself to me. its not going to help you get comfortable with you and it doesn't help your treatment or your ED."

i was quite bothered by all this and discussed it in therapy today and i checked-in with a staff member tonight. long story short. i confronted her about the incident and about the things she says to girls and how open she is. she took it well and was very receptive. it felt good to say this to her and finally say something to someone when they do something to make me uncomfortable since in NEVER speak up, but just deal with my discomfort instead. hopefully now she will be more conscious of how what she says really does affect and trigger others in the community.

so some good things and some bad things and obviously there are ED struggles along the way that don't really need to be discussed but are for me to sit with and challenge. i am glad that i finally took the initiative to say something about my discomfort with the happenings of late. im always so afraid that when confronting someone i will make the situation between me and that person awkward and that rather than having just me feel uncomfortable, both of us will after the confrontation, so i just figure one person uncomfortable is better than one. as a result, i continue to feel uncomfortable and the situation only escalates as well as my discomfort. and then a whole other barrel of fun begins with anger and resentment. however, this experience showed me that some people are extremely receptive to being confronted. though it didn't go as perfectly and poetically as i would have liked, i took the step to try and assert myself and do what i needed to to explain my discomfort. maybe ill try this out more often and will find that i don't have to live in a world of discomfort and fear of how other people will react. after all i cant control how people will react to what i have to say but at least i can try. and maybe, a lot of people will be like my roommate and appreciate and learn from what i have to say.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

It's all catching up

I've been having a lot of thoughts about restricting in the past couple of days. I know it's my ED telling me to choose the lower calorie choice when really i might truly want to enjoy the higher calorie one. choosing snack last night is an example of this. i really wanted the granola, but there was also the choice of the chocolate rice krispie treat, which i knew was lower in calories than the granola. so then the great debate began in my head. i was somehow able to rationalize though that i should go with the granola because ultimately i am here to gain weight and if i can make choices that will help that process then i should. i was ok with that.

i've also been having trouble deciding on getting the usual apple or go with the pear which i have picked on a few of my meal plans thus far. i decided i like the pear for a change but i know it has more calories than the apple. so once again the debate began between my thoughts and my ED. but today, my challenge food came up...a banana. now, i used to eat bananas like a monkey until a friend was like "why do you eat bananas. there are like 100 calories in one. you can eat way more carrots and have like 25 calories." so from that point on, bananas were banned. but i purposefully planned out for the banana to be on my meal plan one day so i could confront the fear head on. however, this challenge came sooner than expected when i had a banana on my plate for breakfast instead of the raisins i ordered. now this was quite overwhelming because i was not ready for this, nor was i asked if i preferred another fruit when it was discovered that the staff did not have enough raisins. so i had to eat the banana which was a challenge. then lunch came, and THAT was the meal i had picked out the banana for. so i ate it. though i felt guilty and uncomfortable, i had already faced the fear earlier in the day so it wasn't as bad.

then dinner. i had 1% milk, but with chocolate syrup to put in it. as i looked around, i noticed no one else decided to do this, so the guilt began. i immediately began thinking of the extra calories in that syrup. then i began thinking about the TWO bananas i had today and how i could have cut out calories by having something else. and THEN i thought about the golden ghrams i had. i know they have 110 calories per serving and i could have chosen KIX which only have 60 or even rice krispies or corn flakes which have 90 each but rice K have less from fat. these thoughts came flooding in my head and sent me into a panic. my ED was overwhelming me and i began to feel horrible about myself. i already decided i'm not drinking the chocolate milk anymore. that was a bad decision on my part. never did i drink milk at home so why would i think i'd be ok with chocolate milk. i'm not, well my ED isn't but i cant challenge what he is telling me. i feel horrible for making the higher calorie choices that i have made and i am beginning to feel less able to challenge my ED--obviously by giving into no chocolate milk. i hope i can keep it together and keep choosing the cereal i really want. but i know now that i gave into the chocolate milk the temptation to restrict is only going to be that much easier to give into all together.

i hope i can find the strength again to challenge my ED. for now i think i need to take a break and not try so often and hard to challenge the thoughts. i know that seems counter productive and i'm probably just letting my ED talk me out of it, but i'm letting him win right now. it's sad to admit. i'm just really discourage about a lot of things right now and am feeling generally in a weakened position. i hate having these thoughts and knowing that i AM giving it. but my ED is strong and unfortunately i am not stronger right now.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

It's that time of day again

For some reason i cannot stand the time between lunch and bed which presents a bit of a problem because this is essentially the entire day. i don't mind the whole being woken up to pee in the cup, to get weighed and do vitals, then shower, back to bed for a nap before waking up at 10 of 8 for b-fast at 8. the time from bfast to lunch always passes quickly, but from lunch on always seems to drag. i think it has to do with the increased focus on food. we eat lunch at 12, finish at 1230, then usually have groups until 245--except on Saturdays when we have visiting hours from 1-230--and then snack until 3, then groups again until dinner at 530-6, then groups again until visiting hours and then snack 830-845, then free time. for some reason trying to get over an ED is complicated by the constant thought of more food coming in a couple more hours. this makes it really hard to concentrate on the moment and really hard to get through this part of the day. also, i hate dinner. and evening snack is a concept that all together boggles my mind. i NEVER ate snacks at home in the first place--my ED said not to--and i NEVER ate after 8 at night--my ED also told me never to eat past 8. so i feel no need to eat this snack, nor am i ever the slightest bit hungry for it.

so i had a visit with my dad yesterday which was not supposed to happen. i originally called the house a couple nights ago to talk to my mom and respond to their question of whether i would be ok with them visiting. i decided my mom could, but i rather my dad not visit. obviously i wasn't going to tell my dad this so i called the house intending to talk to my mom. but as luck had it, my mom was out for the night so only my dad was home. i couldn't tell him what i had originally called for so we ended up talking and it was ok. the question came up though of whether he could come see me on Friday--last night. i said "well if you want to" but he responded with "well its up to you." i didn't have the heart to say no, so i did the next best thing. i told him what i definitely did not want to talk about--school, what is going to happen when i get out of here, my motivation, my day here. i live those thoughts throughout the day and am always contemplating about those things, and i don't need it to be the only thing that is discussed when i do get to have a visit which is the highlight of my day. so dad came last night and i had a feeling he would bring the dog because he pretty much knew there would be nothing to talk about. this was a good thing. at least there was something to stare at and distract rather than sit in complete silence. we did talk, don't get me wrong, but there were many more quite moments than one filled with words. i didn't even care so much to see my dog, i was just glad she was there to take our attention away from the obvious awkwardness.

my dad also kept his hand on my wheelchair and would occasionally rub my back. every time he did this i got a feeling of annoyance and anger that surged through me. i don't know what it is when people show me affection and that they care through gestures like this, but they erk me like you wouldn't believe--especially when it is my mom or dad who does this. instead of pulling away though, which i DEFINITELY wanted to do, i allowed myself to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and allow him to show that he cares. i did feel happy that i allowed him to do this because i'm sure it made him feel good to not have me refuse his touch, but it was uncomfortable for me nonetheless. well i guess that's what exposure therapy is all about...maybe one day i'll be entirely comfortable with gestures of affection. perhaps i'll be able to show others affection with such gestures one day too?

not too much else is happening here. a new girl came yesterday, but this is not her first time here so she is pretty much already in the swing of things. she is so nice and sweet and not annoying at all--THANK GOD!

i've got to paint my nails at some point today as my act of "self-care." it's part of one of my weekly contract's "action steps" so i've got to make sure i accomplish that goal today. it's always hard for me to find the motivation for this simple task because it takes me so long being the perfectionist that i am. also, it's quite muggy and humid today so i know my nails will take extra long to dry, a fact that isn't exactly helping with the motivation factor. but i've already got the time picked out for when i'll do it so it WILL get done.

something funny happened a couple days ago that i wanted to share. it makes me chuckle every time i think about it.
some girls were having a bit of fun at a meal one day and this conversation ensued after dinner before post-meal.
"if you want dinner and entertainment just come to's completely free."
"well not really free; but your insurance will pay for the rest!"
i just found this quite funny and i hope you do too.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Therapy is good

So things with my parents are understandably a bit more tense than usual. it is to the point where they called to ask if it's ok that if they come see me. truly i have not decided yet. i feel like i could handle my mother coming but not my dad. there is just so much built up anger toward them that i harbor that I'm not sure them coming would do me any good. my dad especially causes me so much anger just with his presence. also, all they ever want to talk about is my ED or things relating to treatment, motivation, my day--which is always the same and if things did happen they are related to anxious situations that i really don't want to have to reiterate--what is going to happen with school, which is a situation i really cant give them answers for. i understand they need to pay a huge tuition bill, but where i am right now and what i need to do before i can get out of here doesn't exactly have a time limit on it. so it's hard to say what will happen. so i've been struggling with this today a lot and i have tried to journal some thoughts and also, therapy with Toni helped. not so much with them, but with some thoughts that i need to focus on and things that i need to do.

basically i know that a lot of my ED is my form of a "high risk" behavior that i take part in. since most of my life i spent following the rules and not exactly experiencing or enjoying normal teenage things, such as high risk behaviors including drinking, partying late, and anything of that sort, i have found my own way to do this through my ED. it is the ultimate form of a high risk behavior, ultimately risking my life in the process. it is the one thing i and only i can completely control. no one can stop me and i can only get help when i want it. it also serves as a way for me to defy everyone and defiance is a main motivator for me. the more people get concerned about my condition, the more they care and the more they give me input as to what i should/need to do. the more this happens the more i wish to defy them. the more i wish to defy them the more i engage in my ED and the sicker i get. which begins the cycle all over again with people showing their concern the worse i get. thus, this would have continued until i possibly died had my doctor not gotten me in here.

what is really accomplished by all that though? i am ultimately just hurting and killing myself and ruining relationships in the process. if i die, what does that accomplish. that certainly does not fix relationships. to sit with the thought that i would have made the choice to kill myself through my ED is something that would cause my parents a hopeless feeling--a permanent one too since death is a permanent thing. is that what I'm really trying to accomplish with all this. obviously not, but that's what i would have done. doesn't make too much sense, but the gratification i get is what drives me. clearly I'm thinking irrationally, but, as you become increasingly malnourished these thoughts increase and become more irrational because of the effects of malnutrition on the brain. anywayssss

it also came up that the only thing i do is constantly give to people. i give and give and give. it is just what i do. it is the only thing that makes me happy--but only for a moment. it was brought up that there is no way to keep giving to others without somehow replenishing myself in some way. but for this i need to know what makes me happy. however i am so disconnected with feeling any emotions that i don't even know what i could do to do this. self care acts were suggested, but i need to figure out what i can do here to do this. if i can identify for even a moment with something that provides me pleasure, then i can begin to be mindful of feelings again and identify others as well. the only one i can seem to identify right now is anger. though this is a start, its not the best feeling to be the only one to feel. it's true though. i have been told for many years that i am a rock. at some point i must have felt only bad feelings that it became so unbearable that no good feelings were ever felt that i just blocked all feelings out and became disconnected. ever since then, i have felt nothing. I'm guessing this happened sometime in high school when ALL i did was school. there were no good feelings then. i did not enjoy life. happiness diminished day by day, and it just become pointless to only feel anger and sadness, so i stopped feeling. i must recover and connect with these good feelings again!

lots of work to do. there are a lot of other daily stresses with a new girl, who is my roommate too, that i would like to discuss, but others need the computer. these thoughts are more important i suppose anyway to express. i have lots and lots to work on. but lots of time to do it here!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

First Post

So im not exactly sure how to go about this whole blogging thing since this is my first time doing it. I figure i have a lot of time now and a lot of thinking and will be going through a lot of struggles over however long im in treatment, so this may be a good avenue to just relax and keep people updated as to what im going through.

yes, i am in treatment for an ED at McLean Hospital in the Klarman Center. it is still very hard to believe i am here and that i need to be here but i am just trusting my PCP and everyone else that this is really where i need to be. obviously this causes a bit of a problem for me finding my own motivation to be here--which i have not really found yet--but hopefully i will soon realize how sick i am. the doctors here told me that i barely qualify to be in an inpatient treatment center like this and that i should be on a medical floor of a hospital with IV nutrition. that was a shocker but it doesnt make being here or realizing that i need to be any easier. but that is a hallmark symptom of this disease--not having the ability to realize how sick one really is. so once again im trusting that i need to be here and hopefully i can find some motivation along the way to want to get better for myself.

i do however just wish i could eat normally. i wish i could indulge in food like everyone else. i wish i could eat the massive amounts of ice cream i once was able to eat and not feel horrible about it and purge; i wish i could go to a Chinese buffet and pig out on noodles and rice with crap loads of duck sauce on it; i wish i could just go out and not order the lowest calorie meal on the menu and have to spend hours online before the dinner pondering what to get; i wish i could go out and just enjoy people and not have the thoughts of my ED consume me. I wish all these things so badly but i dont know how to get them back. those days seem so far away and the thoughts that i have from my ED now are so strong, that recovery to a good place like that seems virtually impossible.

then there is the whole issue of nutrition and being medically well. obviously right now i am neither medically well or nutritionally well. i am in a wheel chair all the time because my vital signs are too low and i need to rest and i was on the lowest meal plan here--0.5--until today where they increased it to 0.75. mind you, the first REAL meal plan is meal plan 1.0. this is because i am being "re fed" and this process if done too quickly can be damaging and dangerous to ones health. my body is still trying to regulate itself at the cellular level and my body is still struggling with re feeding syndrome. i get labs done as often as possible and i take the proper vitamins and supplements prescribed by the doctor based on these labs.

but anyway. there is much more i could discuss but everyone should know im doing ok. im working on getting nutritionally and medically better with the help of my team. the psychiatric part will be difficult and that hasnt begun too much, but rest assured, that WILL be worked on in depth. andddd i have nothing to do here so feel free to visit me! send me mail! text me! call me! well only when the hours permit, lol.

as far as today. it was ok. ive been anxious. i think that has a lot to do with the meal plan kinda of fluctuating today and also a lot of community issues going on. issues with people restricting, hiding food, calling people out on this, the general vibe of the group and lots of other stuff. all things that need to be worked on and can be worked on the make the environment for recovery a much better place. it's all about challenging your ED while here and we all need to help each other along in that process even if it means stepping out of our comfort zone and confronting someone about an ED behavior that they are engaging in. it may make us uncomfortable by doing so, but by saying nothing, we are only encouraging ED behaviors.

im not really sure where im going with this but its time for me to get off the computer. only two here for everyone to use and ive been on long enough. ill try my best to keep posting and maintaining this blog. once again, im new at this so if i sorry!