Long weekend update

so the long weekend pretty much dragged here, but i guess that was to be expected. i didn't have anything on saturday as far as passes so that day was by far, the most boring. but on sunday there was an outing to johnny rockets for the girls on caf group and then i had an afternoon snack pass that day too.

i was not looking forward to the outing because johnny rockets pretty much sucks and i had just gone there on pass. and honestly, why would you take a bunch of girls with an eating disorder to a burger place? i looked at the menu before and decided to get the tuna salad sandwich, which is something i can get here at the hospital so that's another reason i was mad we went to johnny rockets. however, there was a huge challenge which was getting something that appropriate in place of the chips i usually get at lunch. my options were pretty much french fries or onion rings, neither of which i was enthused about at all--also needed some more vegetable because the one piece of lettuce on the sandwich was not cutting it for the vegetable exchange. i talked to the staff to see if either of those would be acceptable and after talking to one of the girls i decided onion rings were less scary for some reason. it also helped that i wasn't the only one eating them because another girl who gets chips at lunch split the order with me. i also had to get a caloric beverage, so i got orange soda. i didn't know i only had to drink 8oz though so i ended up drinking 16 probably before i noticed that no one else was drinking more. for dessert we all went to mrs.fields and i got a sugar cookie with sprinkles. i was feeling pretty awful about the onion rings, so i knew pass was going to be extremely hard because of that and because of the fact that the outing and my pass were on the same day. the outing was supposed to be on saturday so i planned my pass for sunday so they WOULDNT be on the same day, but when the outing got moved, that kind of put a wrench in my plans. also, the person i was going with i knew would make my pass difficult and the bad body image intensified by wearing a risk shirt wasn't helping.

as soon as i got back to the hospital my ride was here to leave for pass so i left right away. we went to harvard square, walked around a bit, he got lunch and i contemplated whether i wanted to eat or not. i knew i should though because last time i went with him i didn't at all. my team would be mad, and i was already in the shitter with them and then id have to report back to one of my really supportive friends that i didn't eat and i just couldn't do that. since it was afternoon snack i settled on a smoothie...definitely still restricted since it was 14oz and fat free and my usual snack here is one cheese stick, 4oz of juice and 8oz of ensure. but at least i ate something this time! baby steps, right?

monday was ok. i had another pass planned with my parents for lunch. i was once again having bad body image again but i forced myself to wear a risk shirt again. i was in a crappy mood from the body image so i wasn't the most pleasant on pass. we went to this place called "fresh city" and i got vegetable and tofu stir fry over brown rice with teriyaki sauce. of course i restricted again--i didn't get my caloric beverage, my dessert and im not sure if i ate enough rice. i was feeling reallly full for some reason from breakfast so lunch was really hard even with all that restricting. snack was hard too that day and dinner was incredibly hard also. im not sure why my body was being so difficult.

i was feeling really awful that night and i was seriously contemplating stopping eating. so i went up to the nurse and asked her what would happen if i said i wasn't going to eat anymore. she said they would probably evaluate me for safety and then probably discharge me if i really was going to refuse to eat. i REALLY wanted to do this, but then i decided once again that i couldn't face that friend i have here if i did that AND if insurance didn't approve me for more time here i'd be going home anyway so i could wait another day. also, that friend was going to be leaving on wednesday so i could wait till then too if insurance did approve me.

yesterday was alright. i was anxious all day for my insurance review. turns out they were able to get me another week in residential and they made it quite clear that they want me to go on partial too, but i guess the insurance company said they would review again next tuesday. im not sure if they'll ask for more time in residential or just for partial. it depends if im in my range or not. so i guess that was good, well its probably for the best anyway.

i had family therapy yesterday as well as individual therapy. both went ok i guess. i also met with the psychologist that does body image work with the girls here. it was semi-helpful but body image isn't exactly something that changes to easily, i so still really doubt.

today was pretty good as far as mood goes. for some reason i wasn't thinking too negatively, which is always good. i had another therapy session which i say was ok, but my therapist says was good, so i guess it was good. i just felt like i talked about something completely different from the normal so that was odd.

there were a couple of jarring incidences on the unit today. well, yesterday i was in one of the bathrooms and i smelt vomit and i saw in the sink that what looked like reminisce of vomit was there and also on the rim of the toilet. i alerted one of the nurses just so she could be aware. this morning at the end of treatment planning that same nurse made an announcement that the cleaning lady found vomit in one of the trashcan on the unit. she passed around papers so that we could write our name down on the paper and if we were guilty or not. if no one confessed then we would all be on bathroom/shower supervision again--not a big deal to me since i am back on it again. then later on, i was sitting in a chair in front of the nurses station and i smelt something like vomit. so i looked around the chair and then finally behind it, and sure enough there was vomit behind the chair! i told the nurse and she had it cleaned up by the cleaning lady--tough job. the girl who was purging came forward. it was actually one of my roommates too. how ironic that we both got caught for purging?

sadly, one of the girls who i got really close to, especially in the last few days over the long weekend, left today--about 45 mins ago. im very sad to see her go, but im really hopeful for her. she is the smartest 15 year old i have ever met. she has already achieved so much and i know she will only continue to do great things. she often feels like a disappointment for coming back to treatment for a second time because her parents expected her to be cured after the first time. but unfortunately, this illness does not work like that at all. she is just such an amazing person and she has been a enormous source of support for me. it was really sad to see her go, but i am so happy for her, for all that she will achieve. but i cant deny the fact that it will be hard to cope here without her and without her support and encouragement. she would never let me get down on myself, push me to challenge myself, and help me think more positively.

in the past week about 10 girls have left the unit and a few new girls have come in and we are supposed to be getting one tomorrow. there has been a huge shift in the community. there is only one girl here now who has been here longer than me so it feels odd to still be here. people that came here after me and have been with me for most of this journey are now gone. i don't want to be here anymore and to have all those who were here to experience so much with me makes it that much harder to still have to be here. and to think that i have at least another week in residential and 2-3 weeks on partial only serves to sadden me more. these are certainly hard times.

i don't feel like i am close to anyone here anymore or that i will get close to anyone in the time i have left. everyday is still incredibly hard and life after treatment still isn't looking up.

"You don't have to act crazy anymore. We all know you were good at that. Now retire my dear from all that hard work you do. Of bringing pain to your sweet eyes and heart." --Hafiz