So since I last posted my meal plan went up yet again, yesterday actually because I am still on chair rest so that means I am not making projection. So as part of the game plan, the most logical thing would be to increase my meal plan so i eat more. Before i was never really hungry. it was possible that from breakfast to lunch i would get a little hungry but once they raised my meal plan on Saturday this pretty much ended and when they raised it again yesterday it did end. now i feel satisfied from breakfast to lunch, but after lunch until bed, i'm pretty much in a constant state of feeling full. i always heard the girls say at post-meal how they feel full and uncomfortable and at the time i couldn't understand this feeling because I was on a lower meal plan, but now that i'm moving up in the world, i am beginning to feel those feelings they felt. and to think that there are still five more meal plans i could potentially move up to!
pretty soon the weight gain will start. i can already physically see it and that is a bit difficult to deal with but i think i am able to put it into perspective still so that i am able to not think about it too much now. i know what i "see" now is hardly anything compared to what i'm going to be seeing so i try to realize that and not let it affect me too much right now. when i get closer to my range then i know the negative body image thinking and feelings will come and those feelings will be more justified. right now i'm just trying to not get to overwhelmed by negative body image because the changes right now are minimal and i need to be ready for when they are much more prominent.
I've also been thinking a lot about how scared i am for the outside world. it is so easy, well not easy, but EASIER, to eat here and not feel too horrible about what i ate. But, this is ONLY because i have the comfort of others around me who are going through the same thing. knowing that "we are all in this together" or that we are "all going through the same thing" makes it easier to eat and deal with the negative feelings afterwards. however, i know that when i get out of here--which is still a ways away--i wont have that comfort and eating the right things, or even just making the choice to eat will become 10000 x s more difficult and will be a struggle. i know this because of my experience with partial. when i went to partial it was fine to eat during the day at the hospital, and even when i went home i followed my meal plan because i knew i had some structure of the program to go back to the next day. but as soon as my week was done it became and instant struggle to follow the meal plan. the next morning i only half followed the breakfast portion of my meal plan and after that i was right back to what i was doing before and i actually continued to get worse. this scares me immensely and makes me seriously doubt whether i'll be able to do it when i get out of here.
i know i'll have family who will support me and try and make me eat. but that's the thing, they are going to try and MAKE me eat and when i feel like i'm being forced i get angry and want to comply even less. the whole idea of DEFIANCE is a huge thing that drives me ED. the more people cared about me and the more they told me things i should/need to do to get better, the more i wanted to defy them and do those things that would result in more ED behavior. this is a scary thought that runs through my head throughout the day and really makes me question if recovery will actually be possible for me once in the real world again.
there have been some other instances too that show me how strong my ED still is. i don't really want to get into them too much because that's something more for me to know, but it just shows me that though it is easier to eat in an environment where you know others are struggling too, i still have my personal struggle with my ED to contend with daily. it is especially hard when snack time rolls around to decide what i want. i often start thinking an hour before afternoon snack what i want, considering how full i already am, calories, volume, which food i could make last the whole time period we have to eat, what i want vs what my ED tells me i want vs what i should get to try and start making projection. and then for evening snack i often contemplate for the 2.5 hours after i sign the snack list if i made the right choice, once again according to the things mentioned when deciding about afternoon snack. I still am very much consumed by the thought of food and thus consumed in ED thinking.
I feel like this post is so negative and it is probably extremely triggering and i wish i could write about something other than my stay in treatment. but obviously treatment is my life right now so that is all there is to write about. I guess on a semi-brighter note, family therapy went OK yesterday. i don't really think my goal going into the session was accomplished, but at least i presented some things that were very important to me, and although these issues were not explored to the depth i wanted, i think that the therapist was able to gather some important information that will be helpful in our construction and planning for our subsequent sessions. my brother also came to the session yesterday which i think is great for the family and i was really glad he did come!
OH! i know a happy note i can leave on! i was once again awarded the you go girl box on Sunday. i had a good weekend and really made an effort to open up and hang out with the girls more. i can definitely say this was facilitated by not being in the wheelchair and having to wait to be pushed everywhere. i often had to sit secluded from the group because the group all went into another room and none of the staff was around to push me. BUT now that i'm out of the wheelchair that is no longer an issue and i'm able to migrate with the group and be more a part of the community!
That's it for now. nothing else too exciting or important i can think about saying. i think i'll go sit outside for a little before snack. hopefully it is cooler than it was earlier today!
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