Sunday, July 19, 2009

It's all catching up

I've been having a lot of thoughts about restricting in the past couple of days. I know it's my ED telling me to choose the lower calorie choice when really i might truly want to enjoy the higher calorie one. choosing snack last night is an example of this. i really wanted the granola, but there was also the choice of the chocolate rice krispie treat, which i knew was lower in calories than the granola. so then the great debate began in my head. i was somehow able to rationalize though that i should go with the granola because ultimately i am here to gain weight and if i can make choices that will help that process then i should. i was ok with that.

i've also been having trouble deciding on getting the usual apple or go with the pear which i have picked on a few of my meal plans thus far. i decided i like the pear for a change but i know it has more calories than the apple. so once again the debate began between my thoughts and my ED. but today, my challenge food came up...a banana. now, i used to eat bananas like a monkey until a friend was like "why do you eat bananas. there are like 100 calories in one. you can eat way more carrots and have like 25 calories." so from that point on, bananas were banned. but i purposefully planned out for the banana to be on my meal plan one day so i could confront the fear head on. however, this challenge came sooner than expected when i had a banana on my plate for breakfast instead of the raisins i ordered. now this was quite overwhelming because i was not ready for this, nor was i asked if i preferred another fruit when it was discovered that the staff did not have enough raisins. so i had to eat the banana which was a challenge. then lunch came, and THAT was the meal i had picked out the banana for. so i ate it. though i felt guilty and uncomfortable, i had already faced the fear earlier in the day so it wasn't as bad.

then dinner. i had 1% milk, but with chocolate syrup to put in it. as i looked around, i noticed no one else decided to do this, so the guilt began. i immediately began thinking of the extra calories in that syrup. then i began thinking about the TWO bananas i had today and how i could have cut out calories by having something else. and THEN i thought about the golden ghrams i had. i know they have 110 calories per serving and i could have chosen KIX which only have 60 or even rice krispies or corn flakes which have 90 each but rice K have less from fat. these thoughts came flooding in my head and sent me into a panic. my ED was overwhelming me and i began to feel horrible about myself. i already decided i'm not drinking the chocolate milk anymore. that was a bad decision on my part. never did i drink milk at home so why would i think i'd be ok with chocolate milk. i'm not, well my ED isn't but i cant challenge what he is telling me. i feel horrible for making the higher calorie choices that i have made and i am beginning to feel less able to challenge my ED--obviously by giving into no chocolate milk. i hope i can keep it together and keep choosing the cereal i really want. but i know now that i gave into the chocolate milk the temptation to restrict is only going to be that much easier to give into all together.

i hope i can find the strength again to challenge my ED. for now i think i need to take a break and not try so often and hard to challenge the thoughts. i know that seems counter productive and i'm probably just letting my ED talk me out of it, but i'm letting him win right now. it's sad to admit. i'm just really discourage about a lot of things right now and am feeling generally in a weakened position. i hate having these thoughts and knowing that i AM giving it. but my ED is strong and unfortunately i am not stronger right now.

1 comment:

  1. The case of the lower calorie option.
    I'm not going to lie to you girl...I spent my ENTIRE stay at CEDC researching calories and choosing the lowest one. But it didn't help at ALL and only caused me to stay there longer.
    Just remember that you ARE there to gain weight...so why the hell wouldn't you want to "enjoy" doing it?!? Yeah...it's not ENJOYING, but the food will taste better!!

    Maybe telling yourself that you will challenge yourself with something you REALLY want once a day? Start small, then build up. Also, something I found fun at partial was trying different things mixed. My FAVORITE snack was wheat thins with PB and raisins. YUM!

    Also...best. breakfast. ever.= all bran with craisins, sliced almonds, and vanilla soymilk. DELISH!!!

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