Tuesday, July 14, 2009

First Post

So im not exactly sure how to go about this whole blogging thing since this is my first time doing it. I figure i have a lot of time now and a lot of thinking and will be going through a lot of struggles over however long im in treatment, so this may be a good avenue to just relax and keep people updated as to what im going through.

yes, i am in treatment for an ED at McLean Hospital in the Klarman Center. it is still very hard to believe i am here and that i need to be here but i am just trusting my PCP and everyone else that this is really where i need to be. obviously this causes a bit of a problem for me finding my own motivation to be here--which i have not really found yet--but hopefully i will soon realize how sick i am. the doctors here told me that i barely qualify to be in an inpatient treatment center like this and that i should be on a medical floor of a hospital with IV nutrition. that was a shocker but it doesnt make being here or realizing that i need to be any easier. but that is a hallmark symptom of this disease--not having the ability to realize how sick one really is. so once again im trusting that i need to be here and hopefully i can find some motivation along the way to want to get better for myself.

i do however just wish i could eat normally. i wish i could indulge in food like everyone else. i wish i could eat the massive amounts of ice cream i once was able to eat and not feel horrible about it and purge; i wish i could go to a Chinese buffet and pig out on noodles and rice with crap loads of duck sauce on it; i wish i could just go out and not order the lowest calorie meal on the menu and have to spend hours online before the dinner pondering what to get; i wish i could go out and just enjoy people and not have the thoughts of my ED consume me. I wish all these things so badly but i dont know how to get them back. those days seem so far away and the thoughts that i have from my ED now are so strong, that recovery to a good place like that seems virtually impossible.

then there is the whole issue of nutrition and being medically well. obviously right now i am neither medically well or nutritionally well. i am in a wheel chair all the time because my vital signs are too low and i need to rest and i was on the lowest meal plan here--0.5--until today where they increased it to 0.75. mind you, the first REAL meal plan is meal plan 1.0. this is because i am being "re fed" and this process if done too quickly can be damaging and dangerous to ones health. my body is still trying to regulate itself at the cellular level and my body is still struggling with re feeding syndrome. i get labs done as often as possible and i take the proper vitamins and supplements prescribed by the doctor based on these labs.

but anyway. there is much more i could discuss but everyone should know im doing ok. im working on getting nutritionally and medically better with the help of my team. the psychiatric part will be difficult and that hasnt begun too much, but rest assured, that WILL be worked on in depth. andddd i have nothing to do here so feel free to visit me! send me mail! text me! call me! well only when the hours permit, lol.

as far as today. it was ok. ive been anxious. i think that has a lot to do with the meal plan kinda of fluctuating today and also a lot of community issues going on. issues with people restricting, hiding food, calling people out on this, the general vibe of the group and lots of other stuff. all things that need to be worked on and can be worked on the make the environment for recovery a much better place. it's all about challenging your ED while here and we all need to help each other along in that process even if it means stepping out of our comfort zone and confronting someone about an ED behavior that they are engaging in. it may make us uncomfortable by doing so, but by saying nothing, we are only encouraging ED behaviors.

im not really sure where im going with this but its time for me to get off the computer. only two here for everyone to use and ive been on long enough. ill try my best to keep posting and maintaining this blog. once again, im new at this so if i suck...im sorry!

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