It's that time of day again

For some reason i cannot stand the time between lunch and bed which presents a bit of a problem because this is essentially the entire day. i don't mind the whole being woken up to pee in the cup, to get weighed and do vitals, then shower, back to bed for a nap before waking up at 10 of 8 for b-fast at 8. the time from bfast to lunch always passes quickly, but from lunch on always seems to drag. i think it has to do with the increased focus on food. we eat lunch at 12, finish at 1230, then usually have groups until 245--except on Saturdays when we have visiting hours from 1-230--and then snack until 3, then groups again until dinner at 530-6, then groups again until visiting hours and then snack 830-845, then free time. for some reason trying to get over an ED is complicated by the constant thought of more food coming in a couple more hours. this makes it really hard to concentrate on the moment and really hard to get through this part of the day. also, i hate dinner. and evening snack is a concept that all together boggles my mind. i NEVER ate snacks at home in the first place--my ED said not to--and i NEVER ate after 8 at night--my ED also told me never to eat past 8. so i feel no need to eat this snack, nor am i ever the slightest bit hungry for it.

so i had a visit with my dad yesterday which was not supposed to happen. i originally called the house a couple nights ago to talk to my mom and respond to their question of whether i would be ok with them visiting. i decided my mom could, but i rather my dad not visit. obviously i wasn't going to tell my dad this so i called the house intending to talk to my mom. but as luck had it, my mom was out for the night so only my dad was home. i couldn't tell him what i had originally called for so we ended up talking and it was ok. the question came up though of whether he could come see me on Friday--last night. i said "well if you want to" but he responded with "well its up to you." i didn't have the heart to say no, so i did the next best thing. i told him what i definitely did not want to talk about--school, what is going to happen when i get out of here, my motivation, my day here. i live those thoughts throughout the day and am always contemplating about those things, and i don't need it to be the only thing that is discussed when i do get to have a visit which is the highlight of my day. so dad came last night and i had a feeling he would bring the dog because he pretty much knew there would be nothing to talk about. this was a good thing. at least there was something to stare at and distract rather than sit in complete silence. we did talk, don't get me wrong, but there were many more quite moments than one filled with words. i didn't even care so much to see my dog, i was just glad she was there to take our attention away from the obvious awkwardness.

my dad also kept his hand on my wheelchair and would occasionally rub my back. every time he did this i got a feeling of annoyance and anger that surged through me. i don't know what it is when people show me affection and that they care through gestures like this, but they erk me like you wouldn't believe--especially when it is my mom or dad who does this. instead of pulling away though, which i DEFINITELY wanted to do, i allowed myself to sit with the uncomfortable feeling and allow him to show that he cares. i did feel happy that i allowed him to do this because i'm sure it made him feel good to not have me refuse his touch, but it was uncomfortable for me nonetheless. well i guess that's what exposure therapy is all about...maybe one day i'll be entirely comfortable with gestures of affection. perhaps i'll be able to show others affection with such gestures one day too?

not too much else is happening here. a new girl came yesterday, but this is not her first time here so she is pretty much already in the swing of things. she is so nice and sweet and not annoying at all--THANK GOD!

i've got to paint my nails at some point today as my act of "self-care." it's part of one of my weekly contract's "action steps" so i've got to make sure i accomplish that goal today. it's always hard for me to find the motivation for this simple task because it takes me so long being the perfectionist that i am. also, it's quite muggy and humid today so i know my nails will take extra long to dry, a fact that isn't exactly helping with the motivation factor. but i've already got the time picked out for when i'll do it so it WILL get done.

something funny happened a couple days ago that i wanted to share. it makes me chuckle every time i think about it.
some girls were having a bit of fun at a meal one day and this conversation ensued after dinner before post-meal.
"if you want dinner and entertainment just come to Klarman...it's completely free."
"well not really free; but your insurance will pay for the rest!"
i just found this quite funny and i hope you do too.