Friday, July 31, 2009

Blahhh

so i take back anything that i ever said in earlier posts about being uncomfortable. yesterday was the day for feeling full and uncomfortable and i have nothing to look forward to but many more days like this and even worse ones.

it all started with breakfast. i always drink my water first when i get it at meals because i don't like plain water nor do i generally drink anything with my meals so i don't really know how to incorporate a glass of water into my meals. so after the water i had my pear, after which i could already feel the fullness AND i still had to eat my raisins, yogurt, GIGANTIC bagel with cream cheese, rather large and straight banana with peanut butter. basically i paced really horribly and had to wolf down my bagel, banana and coffee in the last 8 minutes. so needless to say i was quite full and uncomfortable after breakfast.

then lunch came, and it was a lunch i had had before but because breakfast had gone so awry lunch did not sit well at all so i was stuffed and feeling physically huge and so the negative thoughts and body image began.

i was then called in to the kitchen to be informed that my snacks were being increased but the full meal plan increase would start Sunday. so for snack in the afternoon have one fruit, one yogurt, and 4oz of ensure--that is the new part--and at night i have 8oz of milk, my choice from the snack list and two granolas--that is the new part. so needless to say, i am never hungry and i was constantly uncomfortably, full yesterday.

basically it really sucked.

so far today breakfast went much better. i felt full afterwards but i was distracted from this feeling by cross stitching and group in which we made a picture with a partner. however, i think today i am EXTREMELY hypermetabolic, which is the opposite of yesterday. an hour before lunch i started to feel increasingly shakey, and i was getting hot flashes--a sign of hypermetabolism--and i just felt weak and i was actually a little hungry. i swear, refeeding is just like going through menopause. so i had the nurse test my blood sugar but it was 74, so it was ok. i just waited it out until lunch, which i just had, and now i feel much better. a bit full, but much better. however, the nurse that was in the kitchen with us wasn't quite happy that i finished basically right as the clock turned 12:30, which is the end of the timed meal. she told me and this other girl that if we do that again while shes watching shell put us back on supervised tables AND make us replace. her rationale was that they are trying to get us to normalize our eating and we take "mouse bites." yet, when we started lunch she was talking to other people and shes like "yea, you really don't need a half hour to eat. the half hour is more for the people on meal plans 4, 5 and higher. everyone else should be done in like 15 minutes." so ask me what meal plan im on...OH, that's right. meal plan 5. so why i cant take the whole time to eat is beyond me. and what meal plan is the other girl on who finished at the last minute? OH, that's right. meal plan TWO. so really, im doing fine and SHES the one who should get in trouble. whatever. its stupid. if i rush, then id be even fuller than i am now, so taking my time is what i need to do to feel semi ok after i eat.

not too much else has been happening. ive been doing some collaging in my journal lately and i got some other images yesterday from magazines to actually make a bigger one to put on the wall in my room.

everyone who is on cafe group is on an outing right now :( this is my 3rd weekend here that i ha vent been able to go on the outing. its a little sad, but you have to be on cafe group first and for that you have to be 80% of your ideal body weight, which i am not yet, so i cant even apply. so that's kind of sat that i have to sit here with a lot of the newer people. since i came in at such a low weight it is taking me longer to get certain privileges. a girl that came in 5 days after me has been on cafe for a week, so that sort of puts into perspective how much weight i have to gain and the slowness of my progress. but hey, we all are in different places, have different situations and different treatment plans. i just need to keep that in mind and focus on me when i get discouraged because of other people who came here after me getting privileges before me.

just something interesting i want to share before im done writing for today. so i always loose hair in the shower, but over the past week i have been loosing RIDICULOUS amounts of hair in the shower. at least double, and maybe even triple the normal amount i lose. i figured this has something to do with the refeeding process so i asked the nurse today and she said it was normal. i guess the new hair follicles are pushing up now--the ones that are developing from the recent nutrients that has entered my body--so all that older crap is falling out now. there are a lot of other physical things that are happening from refeeding which has really made me notice my body and think about how it functions. i guess it kind of makes me think a bit about how much my body was deprived of before and how malnourished it really was.

that's about it for now. hopefully the rest of this weekend isn't too boring. Saturday always seems to go by smoothly and then Sunday drags and i cant wait for the week to start again. but once the week comes, i want the weekend again!

1 comment:

  1. That full feeling is definitely one of the hardest parts of treatment...but it gets easier- I promise. Sometimes working with the nutritionist about eating less-volume but more calorically dense foods helps. I had to do that for the first 2 weeks I was at CEDC. Juice instead of fruit is an easy one. Instead of a pear and raisins in the morning, maybe you could just have a cup of apple juice? Just a thought!

    Stay strong!

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