Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bad days

These last few days have not been good. i've been in a really crappy mood which is related directly to how i feel physically and how i feel about my weight gain.

To sum it up: I feel HUUUUGE! when i look at myself, i see nothing but huge, especially in one particular area. i hate it. and today, while i was reset which is good as far as not being on chair rest for a day or two, being reset is also one of the most depressing things ever. as i said before, to be reset you have to gain weight three days in a row, so clearly, by being reset, my concerns about my body were only confirmed in a very definite way.

because weight gain is such a sensitive issue and something i DO NOT want to have to do and am VERY resistant to, i am basically in a bad mood all the time. negative thoughts constantly run through my head as far as body image goes. also, before i was able to take some enjoyment from the meals here because if im going to have to do it i might as well try and make it pleasurable; however, that was before i actually started to gain weight and feel and look fat. now, i cannot even find enjoyment in meals here because food is seen as a thing just to make me gain weight, because truly, that is now it's only function. the food choices cycle through, so there is no excitement as far as variety, nothing tastes amazingly good, it i only get more things added to my meals as my meal plan goes up, increasing the negative connotation of food. i feel as though being in treatment is only making my relationship with food worse because now, food is strictly seen as a means to gain weight.

something i found rather disturbing happened at breakfast today and decreased my mood even more. i always save my banana with peanut butter on it as the last thing i eat for bfast since i follow the "save the best for last" motto. today, i did the same thing as always, but today, i didn't enjoy my banana as much. the taste of the peanut butter and banana was just not as strong as usual. that that one true pleasure is not becoming less enjoyable is really disconcerting.

another reason why i cannot even enjoy meals here anymore is because i disconnect as meals even more than i did before. meals used to be associated with some sense that i would eventually gain weight, but the feelings that would accompany the weight gain had not yet been felt. now that i AM gaining weight and the feelings are there too, i block the feelings out by disconnecting so i don't have to feel the negative feelings. i am not longer there mentally at meal times. i am simply there physically, eating the food. if thoughts or feelings do break through they are only negative and are basically centered around how each bit i take equals more weight gain and then i begin to think about how the next meal or snack is coming in a couple of hours for the same purpose.

my motivation is essentially nil right now. i feel like i am being set back by being here. set back from progress with my ED that is. because i have that thought i know that my ED is still my #1 priority and it is still in control though i am able to disconnect from a lot of the feelings that would drive me to engage in ED behaviors because i know being here it does no good to feel those feelings since i cannot act on them. the psychiatrist here asked me today why don't i sign myself out? besides from this not really being an option because of family pressures and wants/expectations, i feel now like i would have SO much work to do to get back to where i was before that it is almost an impossible feat.

The truth is, and ED is A LOT of work. it didn't take a day to get to the point where i was at as far as weight loss, dedication, control, commitment, mindset--which mind you my mindset has not changed that much. it took months of very hard work. to know that i wasted all this time here to go back to have just gained weight, and then to have to work so hard to get back to that level of intensity is something i cannot fathom doing right now. i feel at this point i would develop a new eating disorder of over eating because i feel that at the weight i am right now, it would be impossible to gain the control i would need to to get to where i was before and since i basically lost control by being here and submitting to treatment, i might as well keep going in that direction and loose total control and binge eat all the time. but that is really not an option either. i DO NOT want to get fat, and if i binge eat, that is SURE to happen.

i just feel like i have taken so many steps back by coming here and that if i did leave--sign myself out--i would not be able to get back to the place where i was, as far as with my ED and how i functioned in life with it then. i don't even know how i would go about assimilating back into life with work and just daily living and life with my ED at the same time. if i could i would make the choice to just live with my ED and not have to work or have any other obligations whatsoever. however, that is not conductive to any semblance of a productive life either. so basically im screwed. no options is really viable.

well, one option is viable but i don't know if i want to do to the work that is really involved in what i would have to do for it to actually serve as a viable option.

1 comment:

  1. It may seem like it, but food's only function now is NOT just for you to gain weight...it's giving back all the nutrients your body has been missing out on! I know ever since I put on a little weight, my bone density results have improved. So yes, it may seem like it's just weight, but it's SO much more.

    And I bet you have more energy now too. And it's easier to laugh?

    It's NOT just weight.
    You're taking in life with every bite.

    ReplyDelete