Breaking the rules

though the past few days have been ok as far as mood and such goes, i have still done a few very bad things which are definitely against the rules of being here and have seriously contemplated doing even more things that would be against the rules and cause my stay here to be much longer. of course im not going to incriminate myself and come right out and say what they are nor would i say these things in a public arena such as this blog. but just know with probably the worst thing i did, people saw, and staff found out.

therefore i am on 24 hour restriction which does not matter much since im not on caf and i don't get passes yet, but still.

a very triggering situation happened about a week ago with one of the girls here that put an idea in my head. this behavior which was triggered is something i have not done in a while and would never have done it had it not been put in my head again by what i saw. ever since then, the behavior has been on my mind and even though my days have been ok like i said, i still had the intense urge to partake in this behavior.

i knew i would only be disappointed if i did this and yet i knew if i didn't i would never be satisfied. however, i did do it, but as i say, i "half-assed it" so now i am left feeling unsatisfied still and with an even stronger urge to do it again, and the right way.

unfortunately a call was put into my therapist, and though i know i will have to talk to her about this, i still feel greatly ashamed and that she too will feel that way or think im horrible. this however is just me mind reading because i know she is a therapist and i present my feelings and experiences to her in a non-judgemental environment. BUT, she IS a member of my treatment team and she DOES control the privileges i get. so in a way, she does take on a parental roll, and therefore, i am even more reluctant to open up and tell her what i feel than i was before, if that's even possible.

so today hasn't been bad. it just had some tougher moments in it. and i did cry a couple times which is BIG for me. but im not mad at anyone. the right thing was done and that is good, though my feelings are still unresolved around the urges i feel. i don't know what i will do. i know i say i wont partake in this behavior again, but i can do it and easily get away with it, so knowing that makes the urge that much harder to deny and fight.

when i really think about why i did what i did, i can definitely pin-point one reason, but another reason is a bit harder to admit to. part of me things i am only doing this so that i will get in trouble with my team so that the process of getting on caf and getting passes takes me even longer, thus increasing the time i have to stay here. there is a certain safety and comfort in being here and i have become accustomed to that now and feel that i cannot return to the "real world" or the "outside" as it is commonly referred to here--which does not help a feeling of hope to be instilled in anyone that they can return to those places after being here, which i guess is kind of a "fake" world then? so if i do things that would cause me to get in trouble or delay the granting of privileges, then i can stay here longer and be protected from the real world and everything in it.

also the idea of defiance which is something that strongly drives my ED is one thing that is driving the urge to still want to continue this behavior. i KNOW its wrong and harmful and that it wont get me anywhere for treatment, which is precisely why i want to do it again. to do the wrong thing. to defy what is right. but in the end, as with my ED, though i am trying to defy those around me who want the best thing for me, i am really only hurting myself. but the gratification i get out of the behavior in the moment seems to outweigh the harm i do to myself, so i continue to partake in these behaviors.

anyway. as far as meals go:

breakfast was ok. i had much less volume today because i had my 2 fruits in the form of juice so that made it easier to finish with some time so that i could enjoy my coffee for once and not suck it down in the last minute.

lunch was ok too. nothing really challenging, but i still eat the wraps in my weird ED behavior way.

afternoon snack was ok. not hungry for it at all. but glad there were raisins today so that made the volume bit a tad easier.

dinner. where to begin. i was not hungry in the least for it and it was very overwhelming as far as volume. the food itself wasn't too challenging except i was expecting the meal to be vegetarian and when i lifted the lid i found there to be chicken in the mix--other people did get tofu; i guess you had to specify. but that was minor, while the VOLUME was not so minor. my whole freaking plate was fully of white rice and i just had no idea how to attack it. so of course i used some ED behaviors to ease that anxiety. i picked each type of vegetable out one at a time until all vegetables were gone and then i was left with rice and chicken. then after thatt i didn't have much time less so the behaviors became a little less present since the main priority then became finishing my meal on time. but i did have to rush a bit and as a result i was even fuller than i had expected i would be with a meal that was already large in volume.

evening snack didn't happen yet but i anticipate it will be difficult because of the sheer volume of food i have to eat. it is never easy. i am never hungry for it; as a matter of fact im usually still full from dinner. and i am ALWAYS full after.

on the bright side, my lovely college roommate and friend is coming to visit tonight! so hopefully i can be distracted from being full and try to work up an appetite with some talking!

there was a quote book on the unit the past few days with quotes girls have contributed and i wrote a bunch down in my journal. i figure ill finish each entry with one until i run out of the ones i wrote down. here goes!

"Your wings may be a little damages, but you can still fly. You can still touch the sky. You're hurt but you can still dream. You can still try. You might have to do things a little differently, but you can do them."