stinky day

today i was on warning and when i saw that i was obviously happy because that means i did not make projection so i didn't gain as much weight as i was supposed to, but this is a double edged sword because whenever im on warning, even for one day, they ALWAYS increase my meal plan, so i began freaking out about that. sure enough the nutritionist aide called me in the kitchen and told me that i was just under making projection yesterday and again today so that's why i was on warning and that ill probably be on chair rest tomorrow. so i had to add 8oz of ensure on to my meal plan. i chose to do it at lunch. it went ok today.

the rest of the day was pretty laid back; since its a saturday, groups are pretty relaxed. we did tie-dye in the morning which was fun, yet stressful--don't ask me why something as simple as tie-dye stressed me out. and boy was it HOT out there. i got to tie-dye two shirts. tomorrow we will wash them out so i hope mine turn out ok!

today was a bit depressing for me in general though. today was the day of my family's annual clam bake. everyone from my moms side and most of the people from my dad's side come to my lakehouse and indulge in a feast of stuffies, clams, oysters, clam chowder, lobster, hamburgers, hot dogs, and lots and lots of dessert. there is tubing, boat rides, skiing, fishing, a big camp fire at night, and roasting marshmellows. a lot of my cousins end up sleeping over and we have a big breakfast in the morning usually. it's a good time all-around.

im not going to try and deny that if i were there i WOULD have been freaking out the whole time and would have been in my head all day. so it is probably a good thing i did not go. but its just the point that i cant be there, with my family. instead i am stuck in a treatment center for an ED. maybe it is better that i am here though. i would have felt isolated from my family as always, if i were there. i say it is a fun time all-around, but i didn't necessarily mean for as for all the other people that are there. i just like to be at my lakehouse and away from everything, but it definitely would have caused me a lot of stress and anxiety to be there.

not being able to go on the outing was a bit tough today too just because of the place they were going--the rainforest cafe. i have been wanting to go there ever since of the other girls went on a pass there and told me how cool it was, so to hear that was where they were going sucked. this is the 5th weekend ive been stuck here while everyone else goes on the outing. that itself is aggravating.

dinner tonight sucked, to be blunt. it was only me and 4 other girls. 3 of which i cannot stand and one who is fine, but did not eat her meal. that just made things perfect. having to sit next to someone who does not eat their meal while i have to eat a crap load of food at dinner and throughout the day--i think im on the highest meal plan of everyone here right now--just really did amazing things for my self-esteem. i began comparing myself and counting calories. i got very in my head with the negative thoughts and basically felt like shit after that. as a result, for snack, i gave into my ED and choose the lowest calorie option, even though the calorie difference between what i wanted and what i got is 10 cals per serving. but that is saving calories so i did it. i also did this at lunch too.

i thought getting ice cream would be easier as far as volume goes since i added my ensure at lunch today than getting a normal dessert. but then when i found out that everyone else was getting the little rice krispies and only one--90 cals--i decided to switch to the rice krispie which not only has less calories, but way less fat calories.

so that sucked that i gave in twice with my ED today and i also did two really bad things that are against the rules. i repeated the same behavior that got me in trouble with staff earlier this week and another one. i guess today was a rather bad day overall.

"I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically fear of change...I have gone on despite the pounding in the heart that says: 'turn back.'" --Erica Jong