I had a couple of really bad days this week where i was in a horrible mood all day, very isolative, negative thoughts about body image and my weight kept repeating in my head, and by the end of these days, i had a tension head ache and i was incredibly tired. i knew the trigger for these bad days and i knew one definite thing i could do to possibly make these bad days a little better.
the common link: every morning when after i give my urine sample and get weighed, i take a shower. before i get in the shower, while im waiting for the water to heat up, i undress and look in the mirror. i body check. i see the physical differences from my body when i came here, and these differences have become especially pronounced over the past week and a half. so for the past 3 days, i have not body checked and what do you know? my mood had also noticeably improved.
when i, or anyone else for that matter, body checks, only negativity can come out of the situation. of course you don't look at the areas that maybe have not changed, but you focus on the parts you know have and therefore you are setting yourself up for disappointment right there. also in my situation, i KNOW that what i am going to see is going to be different and not something i am happy with, so why do i decided to scrutinize myself in the mirror and magnify that which i already know and thus magnify the negative feelings by body checking and confirming these things with a head on visual? i have also tried to decrease body checking by body shaping, which is when you touch areas on your body to feel how they have changed. this is something i would do throughout the day in groups or wherever because it is less noticable to do around people. but this too does nothing but to make me feel worse.
meals have been ok. i had a really bad dinner the other night in which i had to ask for a fat that i was missing which was a very hard thing to do. i knew i was missing it and i wasn't going to ask for it but then i realized one of the girls at the table noticed and once i realized she knew my guilty conscience then started going. so as hard and anxiety provoking as it was, i asked the CRC for the fat i was missing. also, a previously mentioned, i had to face chocolate milk again. since they put the syrup in the cup already i had to drink it which only caused more anxiety. then, i turned this anxiety into ED behaviors as far as the way in which i ate my meal went. because of this, i did HORRIBLE with pacing and was left with half my meal to eat in 5 minutes. i debated whether i should have just said "fuck it. im not going inhale all this food. i'll just replace with ENSURE." but then i remembered how many of the girls were talking about replacing one night and how it was their to never have to replace, and i immediately felt horrible for ever considering replacing as an option. so i inhaled the meal.
i was not present mentally at that meal at all. physically, yes, i was there. i ate. but i tasted nothing. i heard none of the conversations going on at the table, only the one going on in my head between me and my ED. i ruined what could have been a potentially good meal which i found rather sad when i processed what happened later in my journal. i allowed my ED to ruin a meal i would have normally enjoyed for the taste, texture, and the company.
the next day i gave into my ED again my asking one of the nutrition staff members to cross off chocolate milk from all my menus. failed attempt #2 at incorporating chocolate milk back into my diet. ED wins again...
i don't want to talk to much about the other intrusive thoughts about calories that have occurred and how i still have to constantly debate about which snack i want vs. which snack my ED wants because that happens daily. but i will tell you about another struggle i had which left me feeling rather disappointed in myself.
snack time rolled around yesterday. i always get one fruit, one yogurt and 4 oz of ensure. i new i wanted raisins that day--that choice was made completely on taste and volume considerations because i wasn't feeling the least bit hungry and a pear may have put me over the edge to the uncomfortable range of fullness. the CRCs put out 4 yogurts--two peach and two strawberry. i grabbed a peach one. i saw the nutrition facts on both though and the peach had 150 cals, 15 from fat, and the strawberry had 140 cals and 15 from fat, but i managed win that battle with my ED over 10 calories, because after all, it is only 10 calories. BUT THEN...and this was my downfall...someone decided to switch their yogurt for the stoneyfield vanilla one. so of course i wanted to too, but this WAS STRICTLY FOR THE TASTE. when i went into the fridge however, i saw that there was a stoneyfield FAT FREE blueberry yogurt. so why did this start another conversation in my head between me and my ED? because the vanilla flavor is only LOW FAT, not FAT FREE. so the great debate began. do i get what i really want OR do i get what my ED wants? i almost made it out of this mess because one of the girls wanted a blueberry yogurt and that was the only one so i told her she could have it. phew! but then she said she doesn't like the stoneyfield blueberry one. DAMN! so the conversation continued and eventually i ended up getting the blueberry FAT FREE yogurt.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! IT REALLY DID SUCK! so once again i gave into my ED and ended up getting something that tasted less than good, all for the sake of ironically saving 10 calories. i think i just contradicted myself huh? but somehow the 0 calories from fat factor won out.
I cant deny i am still struggling and these thoughts are a constant thing at every meal. sometimes i can fight through them or block them out, but i often block them out at the cost of blocking out all other emotions and am therefore unable to enjoy meals. this is something i NEED to work on and master if i want to be able to managed this ED. i need to find the balance between blocking out these intrusive ED thoughts/challenging them and disobeying them, and being able to stay connected with other emotions and subsequently the world around me.
This goes for feelings in general. i need to be able to acknowledge and FEEL the bad feelings before i can have any hope of connecting and feeling the good ones again. this is the focus of my therapy. it's hard work and i feel like im not making any progress. i am told i am though. just because my work doesn't produce a tangible product, doesn't mean im not doing work and making progress. I have to remember this too if i want to keep any sense of motivation to continue the work i need to do in therapy to work on helping myself.
Just a quote i want to share with everyone and one that i should keep in mind more often and really listen to...
"The day will happen whether you get up or not."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment