Distortion

yesterday started out with a meeting bright and early with my psychiatrist who is pretty much told for telling you like it is and is very up front. i don't generally like my meetings with her because she kinda just puts me in a bad mood and makes me feel dumb sometimes. yesterday's meeting was no exception.

basically from talking to her she pretty much understood that with my mindset right now that i probably wont do to well once i get out of here. to put it in her words, "you're basically setting yourself up for relapse, alyssa." and i was like "yea i kind of feel that way." and she replies, "well so long as we both are on the same page." very blunt. its one thing to think these things in your head but to actually have it confirmed and my my psychiatrist no less, does not make me feel any better. it essentially dashes any sense of hope i did have. so after that i was feeling pretty crappy. i feel bad about being here if i really am just setting myself up for relapse--im wasting countless peoples' time and money as well as taking up a spot for someone that may really want to be here and definitely wants recovery.

in the meeting dr.d--the psychiatrist--was trying to get me to own my recovery and being here. she has asked me several times, "so why don't you just sign yourself out?" and i always tell her, that i really don't have that option and shes like, "but you do. you are the one who is making yourself eat. you are the one who puts every calorie in your body that makes you gain weight." i continue to say that i only do that because im here and i have to do it, but she always says, that i don't have to do anything, that i choose to do it. i guess i really don't want to own this, but at the same time i cant just sign myself out. the main reason being that if i did that and i do need treatment in the future, insurance wont pay for it. not to mention that my family would not allow such a thing to happen and god knows if they would even let me live at home if i did that. so really, dr.d, signing myself out is NOT an option. the only one i really have is to just stay here and do what i need to do to get out. i don't mind the therapy part, but the weight gain part is just unbearable.

after that, i was in a bad place. lots of negative thoughts in my head and i just kind of felt like i was betraying everyone else that is here for recovery. i don't think anyone should be here if they don't want recovery and that they are selfish for staying here if they don't want recovery. isn't that exactly what im doing? so this is what is going on in my head and i really hope its just a phase and that i still can try and find the motivation to want to get better and the hope that recovery is possible, but after being here for five weeks, i feel like i should already have found that.

a new girl also came yesterday, so lunch was a pretty anxiety provoking, and therefore, difficult meal for me. whenever someone new comes i always get worried about what types of new ED behaviors they will bring and how those will affect me. my biggest worry is that the new person will be someone who just refuses to eat their food, which is never and easy thing to have to deal with when i am forced to eat massive amounts of food. it makes me feel awful about myself, even worse than i already do. luckily, this girl is very nice and easy to talk to AND she is from RI! so that was pretty cool. i was able to talk to her during the meal a bit and i explained some stuff about after meal proceedings, so that made her not so scary and me not so anxious any more.

the rest of yesterday was alright.

however, today there were two instances that caused me a bit of aggravation.

my family therapist came up to me and asked if we could meet, which i found rather odd because we only meet once a week to discuss my agenda for family therapy and then once for the actual family therapy meeting, and we already had the pre-therapy meeting. she took me outside and told me how my dad called her, so immediately i was like OH GREAT. apparently my parents were worried because they are finding me to be more "into myself." not so much like im all about me or w/e, but that im being distant and not talking much. personally, i think that is nothing different than how i normally am with them. so my therapist tried to explain how they were asking if that is normal for people who come here, to seem more withdrawn, and if im ok, and what they are supposed to say to me and such.

this irritated me for a number of reasons:
1. if we are trying to work on better communication, why wouldn't my father just ask me outright about how im doing rather than calling the family therapist--might i add this is not the first time he has called her/emailed her asking stuff about me. AND if he is worried that asking me outright would irritate me, then he probably shouldn't be asking in the first place, and he CERTAINLY shouldn't go behind my back and ask the therapist for the information.

2. is it not obvious from where i am that i am going to be a bit more withdrawn, distant and have nothing to say??? this is just stupidity on their part. i have told them numerous times that i live the same thing everyday, and that when they come they shouldn't expect me to talk much because i do not want to talk about life here during the little bit of free time that i do have. i live this shit daily, and to have to talk about it to people ON TOP of that is just not something i want to do.

3. being withdrawn and distant IS how i am with them and it has always been that way, so im not sure why being in a hospital makes that seem out of the norm to them. this behavior/mood is no different than normal, but all of the sudden since im in treatment for an ED it becomes a concern, but never before.

4. why is my dad the one to always be calling and trying to figure stuff out about me through the family therapist. he never cared before or at least never cared to show it before so why the hell is he deciding now that he wants to step in and make an effort. it kind of just proves that something bad like this had to happen before he realizes how damaging his lack of involvement and caring was.

so as if all that and all those thoughts weren't aggravating enough, i got my application to get on cafe group back. i knew i didn't get cafe group because my place was still set up in the kitchen for lunch but getting the application would have the reason on it from my team as to why i did not get it. it read:
"alyssa, you are not yet weight-eligible. Potentially in one more week. re-apply next week.
love, your team"

this set off quite a reaction in me. let me explain about cafe first. to get cafe group you have to be 80% of your range. i applied a couple times last week and was told i was not weight eligible. so the second time i applied i asked them to tell me when they think i would be weight eligible so that i could re-apply then rather than continuing to apply and being told no. so on that application they told me to apply again friday--today. which i did and to only find out that once again i am not eligible but that only POTENTIALLY in a week would i be.

now, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY TELL ME TO HAVE RE-APPLIED TODAY IF THEY WERE JUST GOING TO SAY THAT MAYBE, ONLY, POTENTIALLY WOULD I BE ELIGIBLE NEXT WEEK??? that would mean the time span from the first time i asked for a more specific date, to the next POTENTIAL time id be eligible would be like 2 weeks. no way can they tell me that they didn't have some inkling that i wouldn't be the weight i needed to today to get cafe. do they honestly enjoy torturing me. im so sick of applying and being told no. not to mention this is the 5th weekend i will be STUCK here because i cant go on the outing UNLESS im on cafe group. im sick of it. and someone please explain to me how the hell i am not at 80% when i got to 70% like 2.5 weeks ago AND have been on projection for everyone of those days except one??? i can see no possible way that im not at 80% unless my range is like 140 pounds, in which case i would shoot my entire team and i would most definitely sign myself out. so needless to say, all those thoughts caused me to start to mistrust my team.

if i think logically though, i know that i was doing some major catastrophizing with the range being 140. also, my team ISN'T trying to make me anything over my ideal body weight, so i just need to trust that. but still, i want to talk to the dietitian and get some concrete numbers out of her.

i feel like i am at a normal weight and when i look at myself i look huge. however, i know this is just my EXTREMELY distorted body image. this was confirmed when one of the girls here who i really respect and has been in numerous treatments--and has been in this one for about 15 weeks, she knows her stuff--said that, not to be mean, she and many of the other girls honestly didn't think that i was going to get cafe because i don't look like im at 80% yet. they can see me clearly but i cannot see myself clearly, so i just have to use that and remember that it really is all in my head and that what i see is not at all what i really am.

after that i got more discouraged and angry at myself. how can my brain seriously be that fucked up. i look at people who are really close to, or are in their range and i truly believe with my whole heart that i look bigger than them. yet they look at me and see me as still pretty thin, but i look at myself and see nothing but huge. i know what i say probably seems like the most ridiculous thing that anyone has ever heard, but people don't understand that is my reality. when you have an ED, so absolutely believe and feel that you are larger than people who in reality larger than you. i look at those girls who are on cafe and think to myself "they look like they are anorexic skinny. how in gods name are they at least 80% but my huge ass self is not at 80%?" and of course i start thinking that my team is trying to sabotage me or that the scale is broken only when it weights me and reads much lower than my actual weight. all these yes, ridiculous and crazy thoughts follow, but these ARE the thoughts i have and i BELIEVE them with every part of me.

somehow after all that being in my head, i cooled down. i talked about my issues in therapy group and the girls helped me realize just how distorted my body image is, but that doesn't mean i believe them. but to just be able to recognize that my thinking IS incredibly distorted helped me to calm down.

i ate my snack, went to some groups, ate my dinner, went to post meal, and now im here. i just want to add quickly that i only felt very full after breakfast today and that i have been at an ok fullness for the rest of the day after that. that could be due to food choices or it could be due to my body getting used to ALL the food i am eating. in which case i will start to worry and freak out about the fact that my body is getting comfortable with the thousands of calories i am taking in on a daily basis. that is NOT ok.

however, once again i know the thought behind me saying that its not ok and that is that i am constantly thinking about going back to my ED and that having a body that is used to sooo much food and have a stomach that is stretched out to accommodate a lot of food will take A LOT of hard work to get used to eating next to nothing. so once again, not a good thought to have and it pretty much shows the negativity and ambivalence i feel around this whole recovery thing. but i guess, once again, it is good that i can at least recognize where that thought is coming from. though it is a hard thing to admit and and very honest thing to say, my ED is still really strong, it and it pretty obvious from my thoughts that im not so willing to give it up just yet.

p.s. i added the "love" from the message from my team for sarcastic affect.

"If you live your life with a shield up, even the good things in life will pass you by."