things have not been easy recently by any means. there really is no other word to describe how i feel but hopeless.
after family therapy on monday, the fact that my family, specifically my dad, really might not have the capacity to change is something that is incredibly concerning for me. specifically with my dad, if he cannot admit, and own that he is imperfect and that those imperfections have affected me as much as they have, then i cannot see how i can let go of my anger. if i cannot let go of my anger then i will never be able to begin to heal.
i have also realized that the situation i am going back to when i leave is a worse situation than the one i was in when i left home for treatment. i will not be returning to school, but home; all of my friends will be at school so i will have no one; david will be in germany for the year--the one person who i felt sometimes understood me or at least validated my experiences; joel will be home, which only brings into my situation another relationship that is not helpful and causes me a lot of stress and anxiety; i will not have a job when i get home so i will have nothing to do all day; my parents and brother will be at work all day so i will be left alone; but mostly, nothing with my dad will have changed and that is something that NEEDS to change if i have any home for recovery.
when i talked to my psychiatrist about my situation i said that i feel like im basically screwed and she said, "well alyssa, you are screwed." that felt just great to hear. i was getting by on the thought that maybe all these thoughts were crazy and only made sense in my head and that my situation really isn't that bad, but hearing my psychiatrist say it really confirmed and made the screwed-ness of my situation real. i told her that it sucks hearing that from her and she said, "well isn't it better to know what your situation really is?" to which i said "yea, i guess so."
i had been doubting the possibility of recovery from the moment i came here since i didn't really come here out of my own free will or for my want of recovery. over the past couple of weeks, but especially since that meeting on tuesday, the possibility of recovery has essentially dwindled down to zero. i admitted today to my therapist that i have almost 100% decided to go back to my ED. i honestly feel like there is nothing left for me to do. if the underlying issues cannot be reconciled--most especially the family stuff that i would need people to own up to so i can begin to let go of my anger--then i have nothing else to turn to but my ED.
there does come a point when you have to realize that the people around you may not have the capacity to change. i realize this may be the situation with my family, and that probably is the situation with my dad. in that case i then have to turn back on myself who is already changing so much just with the insights from my individual therapy, and i have to ask myself to change again so that i can find other ways to deal with the CONSTANT disappointment i will experience with my family. i open up in family therapy, truly showing emotion and ripping myself apart to tell my family how i feel and the things that have been done to me to hurt and anger me, hoping that they will understand why i have so much anger and where things went wrong, but especially hoping that they will own their part in it all. but every time i do this i am constantly disappointed by the reaction i get from them. no one ever admits that they could have possibly done anything to make anyone this angry, especially me, leaving me to feel like my anger is unjustified and just popped out of thin air and that there is no actual cause, but that is just me and my anger and that i have to find ways to cope and manage it. once again i am asked to change and understand the limits of my family, while they get away with not understanding me or trying to change for me. i don't have any ways to effectively deal with this disappointment except my ED.
admitting what i did today was not easy, not only about my ED but also about my mindset as far as things with my family. seeing no progress made in family therapy on their part makes me seriously doubt whether any will ever be made. if i don't see any or get any sense of any brewing changes from therapy sessions before i leave here, a relapse seems my only option. i cannot wait forever for a change and even if they do eventually begin to change i know have the mindset of "too little to late." its really hard to describe the place i am at right now. it is not an easy place to be nor do i foresee an easy way out. the only solution i have is an incredibly harmful one.
since i got on cafe this week i am now eligible to apply for passes. i wasn't going to until next week because i was going to use the weekend outing with cafe group to gauge my readiness for a pass. since we are not going on an outing due to some technical difficulties with the programs credit card, i applied for a pass--two actually. i was only granted one pass for tomorrow, by myself. this was brought up in therapy after i revealed my state of mind and my therapist said, "well you have your first chance to restrict then..." and i told her i certainly know that and i have thought about it and am already really worried and anxious for it and she the said "well that urge is only going to get stronger come saturday; and you have made a decision..." and i said well not really yet. i told her that i would love to not eat but then again that will only keep me here longer because if i don't eat the likelihood of not making projection the next day is lowered. if i eat, which i don't want to, then that will help me stay on projection and get out of here faster to be with ED. this is honesty in its truest form and my therapist recognized and told me that. that i really have almost for certain, made the choice to go back to my ED is something i know will definitely harm me, but it provides a sense of false happiness. but a sense of false happiness is better than no happiness at all, even if it is a lie.
I need more time to find the real me...
to fly like the birds... to be set free.
Why couldn't I stop until I had died?
It was hate for myself hidden inside.
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I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Exactly.
ReplyDeleteIt took three trips to CEDC, one suicide attempt and stay at the psych ward, and landing in the hospital due to dehydration to even make my parents consider that maybe they needed to change. Even now not much has changed at all. Its really, really, really frustrating. There was maybe a good month over the past year and a half where I actually thought things would be different. My only advice to you is to just try to radically accept that even though the situation sucks and life would be so much easier if your dad would change, that he probably isn't going to. I just try to ignore my parents as much as possible and every once in a while they surprise me. Like the other night- my dad was putting my volleyball game schedule into his calender vowing that he was going to come to every game, even if was an entire state away. I don't expect him to come. I mean, he didn't even come to my games when they were in my hometown, but at least he is putting them on his calender. He never used to take the time to do that before.
I also know how frustrating it is to be stuck at home alone instead of being in school. I didn't go to school for the past year in a half and while some of that time was spent in treatment, a lot of it was also spent at home, alone. To be honest, it made falling back into my eating disorder a lot more tempting and for the first few months I had some really, really low points. In fact, if it wasn't for insurance I would have been sent back to treatment. But then I realized that the situation was only TEMPORARY as long as I allowed it to be. If I had let my eating disorder take over and go back to a place where I was extremely unhealthy again I wouldn't be able to go back to school, to play volleyball again, or anything else. I have ALWAYS hated living at home, especially because my parents are very frustrating/triggering. I realized that if I fell back into my eating disorder I was going to be stuck at home by myself forever because I would never be able to support myself. Either that or I would be stuck in treatment centers, which we both know that even though they feel safe and comfortable, they aren't somewhere where we would want to spend the rest of our lives.
Think of the upcoming months as a way to prepare yourself to get back to your life. To get back to school and other things that you love. Think of it as an opportunity to get a solid grip on recovery rather than viewing it as a punishment. Instead of dwelling on how boring/frustrating/triggering your situation at home is or will be, imagine how amazing life will be once you overcome this eating disorder.
You can do this girl! If you are ever in need of any support feel free to email me (PScalise6@gmail.com) or you can find me on facebook!
Stay strong and keep fighting. Good luck with your first pass!
Pam
p.s. Sorry for writing a novel
"there does come a point when you have to realize that the people around you may not have the capacity to change."
ReplyDeleteIf there is one thing I have learned from my experience at CEDC, it's that you can't count on the people around you to change- you just need to learn how to [healthily] cope with it.
It sucks, yes. And I can completely understand how thinking about reverting back to old behaviors is sort of like a comfort blanket right now- it eases your mind, and gives you reassurance. However, if you expect a change in your parents to also change this thought process, you need to think again! It sounds harsh, and I appologize, but outside factors are not going to change how you perceive yourself, and how you cope with things. Stress comes from all areas of your life- not just your relationships with your family. You need to be driven, and motivated to recover. You need to tell yourself "once I leave this place I will work on living my life according to Alyssa, not according to ED." It's a fight, it's a battle...hell--it's a war. But it's your battle to fight, and in order to win you need to fight and bring everything you have.
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