I want to believe

I want to share with everyone an activity that we did in drama group today. the instructions were to write to ourselves from another voice--basically we are writing to ourselves now from a different age, a younger self.

i like what i wrote to myself, yet i can't believe it. i wish i could...

you're not me. there is no way that you and i are the same person. No way that time could have changed me that much to become what you are today.
I mean sure, i hope one day to be as successful as you are and were in school, but that's about the only positive quality you, or should i say I, would believe is something i want to have. but you have nothing else. i dont want to grow up to be miserable like you, and it scares me to see that that is exactly my fate.
unless i cant do something about it now to change the course of events. obviously it's too late for you now to go back and change whatever things happened to make you end up this way, but from my vantage point, not so much retrospect as prospect, i can make the appropriate decisions to avoid becoming you.
im sure when things were happening for you, you never thought of the reprocussions and how each experience you had would affect you, ultimately making you who you are. but seeing you now makes me see that everything DID have enormous reprocussions and power in making you the person you are today. a person that i CANNOT reconcile myself with as ME.
i dont want to be like you, and since you and i are one in the same, there is no way you can want to be you, nor can you possibly be happy with what you are. those life changing events that caused this transformation have not yet happened to me and look at me. im still happy and carefree; able to enjoy and feel life.
i know it's hard because those things did happen to you. but if you look at me, at your former self, and see my happiness, then you MUST realize that you ARE capable of feeling the way you once did, because i feel that way now. you just need to believe and work hard to reconcile yourself with your past and gain a valuable insight about yourself from it. it's hard work, but if you commit yourself you can do it. you can regain the spirit you once had. The spirit that I still have. The spirit that is truly you.

i really hope one day i can and will believe this, but right now it just seems too hard to imagine a life that is free from my ED and one filled with happiness. there IS so much work to do and i dont know if im ready to do all the work that is required of me and if i am strong enough to do the work. i am trying to work toward at least some improvement and gaining insight into what has happened to me so that i can try and learn from the past, but a complete change just seems impossible.

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." --Margaret Thatcher